Instinctive, Socialized, and Rational

Today I received awesome information through a program at work.  It explained the tendencies I was born with and what I was drawn to instinctively to meet my basic needs to be able to move on to the next level.  It then went on to what I was socialized into believing was the right way to interact with others and find satisfying activities, and further shared information about the Rational level which shows where you want to be operating to get the most joy out of work, play, and other activities.  This was especially eye opening.  I found that my instinctive nature was to take a more conservative, informed, well planned out, weigh the pros and cons, and seek out information to gain understanding type of approach.  My socialized message was that I needed to be cooperative and work in groups and be adaptive to help the whole group meet it's goals.  To be open to innovation and ideas and respect those ideas in others.  My rational is a combination of the group oriented thought and the careful planning and information gathering...with more of an emphasis on creative problem solving, providing many choices and alternatives, having autonomy, and not being told what to do.

I read the descriptions of what I wanted and how others could use this information to approach me in a more constructive way.  I read what my tendencies were under stress and how they changed from my normal when my basic needs were met.  I LOVED what it had to say and wished I could tape instructions on my forehead for others to follow.

Armed with this new information and feeling relieved to see it in print and realize that there was cause and effect for some of the behaviors that have caused stress within my Husband's and my communication, I came home excited to share this information with him and open up a new dialogue...making the assumption that he would be motivated to and would want to take a look at something that may relieve the only two areas of stress that come up from time to time in our relationship.  What I met with I wasn't prepared to handle.

I described the concept.  He said. "I know everything about you already and what's in that report won't tell me anything new." I paused a moment...then took a deep breath and kept diving in because our relationship is so important to me that I wanted to be open to trying something different.  I read descriptions of what I instinctively need, what I am socialized to think I need, and what makes me happy to get in my rational dimension.  He listened in silence, so my confidence grew as I went on to read how my instinctive nature leads me to ask questions and clarify and gather information to help promote understanding.  I tried to explain that I understood at times that when I asked questions that he reacted to it and felt as if I was accusing him or asking him to report to me, but this instinctive need might help him understand my need to gather information to help promote my understanding of and processing of a situation so that I know how to positively influence it.

Moments later I asked him questions about a business decision that he made to join the Anchorage Chamber of Commerce.  I asked him why he chose to do so, how it would benefit him, how it worked. I truly knew nothing about how a Chamber of Commerce worked...my only frame of reference was a 6th grade social studies project where I wrote to a cities' Chamber of Commerce to get information to do a report.  I was asking the questions out of honest curiosity and with what fit into my frame of reference for how I would weigh the pros and cons of a decision.  You would have thought that I accused him of leaving dirty underwear at a woman's house by the reaction that occurred.  I was floored. Following my instincts, which I had just described method and purpose of moments before,  created a panic response in the man that I love above all others.

How can such good intentions and excitement over trying something new turn into such a disaster?

I am very puzzled by this and don't know how to reconcile it.  I can't ask more questions at this point because I don't know how to avoid stepping on the triggers that are there.  I also am raw and vulnerable and not ready to hop into a battle of the wills without coming out burned and stressed more.

Now one of the best days in my life for a long time that actually relieved stress and made me feel like I might achieve better understanding at both work and at home feels like a failure.  I feel like I made things worse by trying to improve them.  Any advice?  Any words of wisdom?

I can only beat my head against an irrational brick wall so long.  I just want some fucking understanding to be thrown my way once in awhile instead of me always having to be the one that accommodates and drops things when an impasse happens.  My head hurts, my stomach hurts, and I can't sleep.

Human Nature, or Inhuman?

Today there is much buzzing in the news in Anchorage that doesn't feel good, that doesn't give you a lot of faith in some members of our society.  Samantha Koenig's body was most likely recovered from the Matanuska Lake today.  They are awaiting forensic evidence to be absolutely sure...but I highly doubt that the Anchorage Police Department and FBI would make such an announcement if the confirmation was more than a formality.  Preliminary reports say that Samantha was most likely killed within hours of her abduction on February 2nd of this year.  They have found no apparent connection between the suspected killer and Samantha or her family.  What drives a human to target another to harm them and take their life in such a random and heartless manner?  The very thought of it makes my heart hurt for her family, for the community, and for a young woman who was robbed of a lifetime!


Tomorrow is voting day in Anchorage.  Elections for Mayor are happening, but you would never know it.  The main thing that has overtaken, divided, and brought out the ugly side of our community is Proposition 5.  Proposition 5 calls for lesbian, gay, and trans-gendered citizens to have the same rights as others when it comes to avoiding discrimination in employment, financial practices, restaurants, housing, etc.  There are church groups who have put out ridiculous scare ads with a shameful portrayal of a trans-gendered person. Check out the disgusting ads on this website.  This page claims that religious rights of individuals will be taken away if this law is passed.  It even falsely claims that my place of employment, Providence Hospital, will be forced to hire gays, lesbians, and transgendered individuals against their religious convictions.....what that website fails to acknowledge (and perhaps doesn't even know) is that Providence does not discriminate in employment for LGBT people!! There are doctors, nurses, secretaries, techs, many professionals compassionately caring for patients and their families at Providence.  They have contributed so much and are doing such in a loving and professional way that does not infringe upon the rights or beliefs of others.  


I am a Christian.  I hate that others are using Christianity as a shield to hide their hate behind, and actually believing that they are righteous when they deem others unworthy of God's Love. 


Luke 10:25-37; King James Version

25And, behold, a certain lawyer stood up, and tempted him, saying, Master, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?

26He said unto him, What is written in the law? how readest thou?

27And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself.

28And he said unto him, Thou hast answered right: this do, and thou shalt live.

29But he, willing to justify himself, said unto Jesus, And who is my neighbour?

30And Jesus answering said, A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.

31And by chance there came down a certain priest that way: and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side.

32And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him, and passed by on the other side.

33But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him,

34And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him.

35And on the morrow when he departed, he took out two pence, and gave them to the host, and said unto him, Take care of him; and whatsoever thou spendest more, when I come again, I will repay thee.

36Which now of these three, thinkest thou, was neighbour unto him that fell among the thieves?

37And he said, He that shewed mercy on him. Then said Jesus unto him, Go, and do thou likewise.




Jesus, who is my neighbor? Certainly it is not only the ones that I agree with, not only the ones that I share the exact same thoughts, values, and ways of living with. Discrimination is not supported in the Bible...and should not be tolerated in our society!
OneAnchorage.com


Vote Yes on Proposition 5!!!

So Very Blessed

This is what Kelly and I have been working so hard to build together over the last 10 years.  Our children are our life, our motivation, and our joy.  Sometimes very few words are needed to tell the story....

 Our 2 Grandchildren, Kayden (3) and Karson (1 month)

The J boys!   Jerry, Jordan, Jamal

 Kelly II's recent performance in Superior Donuts

 Lexi

 Mary, Dad, Lexi

 Mary giving me a bear hug

 My handsome husband

 (back) Jamal, Jordan, Kelly II, Jerry (front) Mary, Lexi

 Adam and Kassie

Kelly and Dee

Something new or same old same old

I'm running out of ideas.  It's hard to keep reaching out when there isn't a welcoming feeling or reaching back in return.  Lying in silence is not my style.  Affection is a big part of who I am.    Teaching myself to stifle that and put it under glass is a skill that I will resist.  If I learn that skill, it may just be too late. I am warm, I am alive, I need to be treated that way.

Hope is the answer

I wonder what it will take to make things right?

How do you convince someone that lives in extremes that a little bad isn't a reason to give up and walk away.  A little bad is an expected state of being... a normal challenge....it doesn't have to destroy everything.  How do you share a perspective and keep a positive attitude when it feels like you are either totally loved or totally loathed.  No tolerance for mistakes, permission to show weakness, or belief that problems have a purpose.  

Living in extremes is something that is so hard to understand.  I see the good and bad, wrong and right in almost everything.  There are many right answers to one question...and with creativity even more can come about.  It is possible to love someone with all your heart even if you are angry at a behavior.  

Perhaps hope is the answer.  We need hope.  Hope that emotions won't cripple, that understanding will grow, that faith will remove the barriers, and that love can endure all.  

Spring Equinox

Today is the Spring Equinox.  It sure brought a flurry of activity with it.  You can tell it's a bit of a crazy day when you are being asked the third time in a day if there's a full moon or something.  Energy levels were high but very positive!

I am so thankful for a turn in tide.  Over the last couple of weeks I was really struggling with intense abdominal pain that seemed to have no answer.  Yesterday I was reservedly feeling a little better...today, I started the day with faint nausea and ended the day with a burst of energy, renewal, and a high level of productivity!  I am feeling so much better.  Praying that it stays that way!!!

Keep it up Spring!! (Oh and melt the snow already!)

Just in Case

One never knows when that moment will come.  When you will have said your last "I Love you's" and your last goodnights to those that mean the world to you.  Tomorrow I am having a medical procedure done that requires anesthesia.  I have no reason to think that it won't go well...but just in case.

Kelly, I want you to know that I love you with all of my heart.  You are a challenge as well as a relief.  You support me and make me stronger in some ways and keep me humble in others.  My life has been ever so much richer because you are in it.

Kids, I love you and you are the world to me.  I have always tried to be a good example to you.  To teach you a good work ethic as well as love and kindness to others.  I hope that that message has come through.

My friends are small in number but so dear to me.   I have never been one to spend time with lots of acquaintances.  I am really close to and trust a select few.  It's funny, but I have never really felt the need to be the life of the party or to be surrounded by people although I still do enjoy the spotlight and being the center of attention.  My friends know who they are, and they know how I work.  They have talked with me, cried with me, listened to my sometimes irrational fears, and have both given and taken advice from me.  I would do anything for them and I know they would reciprocate.  My life has been blessed because of you all.

My mom and dad are great people.  Strong in their faith and hard working.  I admire and love you both.  I love my brothers and sisters and in laws as well.  I am proud of what they have accomplished and of their beautiful and strong families.  My only wish is that we could all have been closer and talked more.  Recently I haven't been reaching out as much as I used to because I didn't see reciprocation.

My dogs are some of the most important people to me as well.  They are comforting, understanding.  Always there to support.  They seem to know when I need someone close because they will smother me during those times.  It's interesting how in tune they are.

Don't worry, this isn't a goodbye letter, this isn't a veiled I'm dropping off the face of the earth letter.  It is just things that I should be saying all the time, but maybe haven't taken the time to say lately.

One thing I can say I have been blessed with in my life is the capacity to love.  I have been hurt and have been given reasons never to trust another human being...yet I can love with abandon.  I have been able to totally give myself heart and soul to my husband.  I have been willing to take risks and challenge situations that threatened our love.  Not everyone knows what that feels like or has the capacity to open their hearts in the way that I do.  I am grateful for that.

I love you all!  Tomorrow I can go into my procedure knowing that I am probably going to be just fine and have the chance to say this and so much more in person to those I love....but just in case.

Good night!!!

All I Want

I don't ask for much
Just everything that you are and want to be
Just to be the last name on your lips before you go to sleep and the first one that comes to mind when you wake
To be cherished
To be held
To be comforted when I'm sad, or scared, or lonely
I want compliments
I want to know that in your eyes, I am beautiful and smart and can do no wrong
That I am captivating and charming
That it's hard for you to look away
I want to be desired and craved
To be controlled by the lust in your eyes
To surrender myself to your will
To smile across the table at a private joke
To work together towards our dreams
I want to be loved
Honored
Respected
Happy
I want to be your wife, friend, lover, and someone you would fight for.
I don't ask for much
No more that what I am willing and capable of giving in return

Rudeness beyond measure

Have you ever been blindsided by rudeness so harsh that you just stood there and scratched your head and wondered what the hell happened?  That happened to me over the course of this weekend.  A woman, although she doesn't really deserve to be called that, attacked me.  This was unprovoked and seemingly without any explanation.  Usually I am easy going and can blow things off to forget about them.  Today I cannot.  I want support. I want to be stood up for. I deserve to be defended because I didn't even know this woman, had no ties to her, and before recently didn't even know she existed...yet she has sent my husband pictures, text messaged him, and has repeatedly been in contact with him after he DJ'd a party that she was involved in arranging.   She then had the nerve to go off on and insult me thinking I had no right to ask her to tone it down because he's an entertainer.   Be a fan....fine.  Be a friend....fine.  Cross the line to disrespecting me as his wife.....hell no!  I understand that my husband is in the entertainment business and that because of that he will work with a variety of people.  Just because he works with the public doesn't mean the public owns him or has any rights to expect his loyalties.  That is owed to his family and no one else.

I have never been this livid at any other point in my husband's career. There have been other way too friendly fans that crossed lines...but none so bold or unapologetic.  It's the nature of the business and to be expected.  That person has crossed the line of disrespect that never should have been crossed and she had better be put in her place.  I expect a full apology and for her to be reprimanded for the way in which she treated me.  I can't believe how insulting her behavior and words were.  I wouldn't have even talked to someone I hated in the way that I was spoken to. I'm so angry I can't sleep.

Solar Flares or Anger Flares?

Wow! Today is blowing me away just a little bit.  There is definitely a large amount of energy in the air right now!  Solar flares, northern lights shows with brilliant colors, bright stars hanging in the air so close you could almost touch them.  There appears to be lots of emotion both negative and positive in the atmosphere greatly affecting those around me.  Fears seem to be amplified... stress seems to be heightened.... defense mechanisms are at full arm and ready to go. This energy seems to be scattering thoughts and reactions.  I have come across defensiveness and suspicion from sources that are usually rational, trusting, and calm.  Despair and fear are making others feel like they are drowning or failing when they are really stars. Usually when I notice a particularly strong pull from the moon or other forces that are negatively affecting others emotions, it's brought to my attention because I too am feeling unbalanced and upset for reasons unknown... today is different.

Today this energy that has seemingly thrown others around me for a loop has helped me to focus and find clarity in areas where I may have had a panic response in the past.  It has been definitely working in my favor most of the day today!  Last night and early this morning I went with a friend and my daughter to watch the Northern Lights.  We saw the most spectacular show that I have seen since I moved here! Greens, purples, reds dancing in the sky, framing the mountains and trees.  Truly a moment that I will carry in my memory forever!  After having such a spectacular treat and after a week that had been tiring and stressful up until today, I had an extremely productive day at work digging in and getting caught up on investigating charts, looking into unusual occurrence reports, entering days worth of charges, clearing out emails and voice mails, checking off items on my to do list, spending time talking and problem solving with staff members and with doctors.  There was great teamwork between departments moving chess pieces into the right place to keep a busy day moving forward.  I left work feeling accomplished and just maybe a hint at being kind of caught up after taking time off for a wedding last week.

Funny how a tone in an email or a text message can make you doubt the great day you just had.  I pray that the energy will move in other's favor so that they can find peace as they sleep tonight and happiness and contentment when they wake tomorrow.

Love and God's Blessings to my friends and family.  Good night!!

My Love

My love for my children is deeper than they will know
I have to respect their independence, allow them to experience life and make mistakes
I am a waiting ear, ready to listen, to give advice, to guide
I will not chase, force, or smother my almost adult children
I have learned through experience that approach only escalates the number of lessons learned the hard way

So where is the fine line?
How do they know you care without thinking you're a crazy woman?
My Dad has that formula mastered
I wish I could be more like him.
I could be mostly honest, never wanted to disappoint, and always knew he'd come to my rescue if I needed him
Sometimes I wish my kids were as easy to read as my dogs.  You always know when a dog is appreciative, affectionate, tired, hungry, happy, restless....

The best way for me to be a good mom is to trust my instincts, let my babies fly, and pray they will find their true passion and pathway in life.

I love you all, more than you know.
I have worked hard all my life to be an example
I have tried to be patient, loving, accepting, and firm when I needed to be

I'm sure I haven't gotten it right every time...but hopefully the right has outweighed the wrong

Dear Lord, keep my babies safe.  Help them to make choices that will enrich their lives.  In Jesus' name.....Amen.

Friday night at home...Ramblings that make no sense

So, lately I have been busy...working long hours, sleeping only a bit...running to keep up with plays and hand chime performances, and everything but the laundry.  I'm tired.  My brain is overworked.  I needed a day at home.  Funny how I still can't let go and relax.

I could have slept.  I could have watched a brainless show on TV.  I could have just not done anything.  Instead I read work emails and talked to a friend on Facebook whom I love, but who is so negative about everything!  I try to say cheerful things and something really messed up comes back in return.  It makes me wonder just what can happen to someone's spirit that they are so surrounded in negativity.  I can never talk to her long without having the energy sucked out of me.

I saw this show recently called "The Secret".  It talked about the power of positivity and how thoughts become things....for example, if you constantly worry that you will have financial trouble....you will have financial trouble.  If you think of yourself as wealthy, comfortable, and out of dept...the Universe will make that happen.

Now I don't know if I totally subscribe to that philosophy, but I don't underestimate the power of positive thinking.  I've realized how much of an energy robber negativity is for me.  It sends me down a path quickly that I really need to avoid.  I am by nature a positive person that likes to believe that others have the best of intentions....until they have beat me to a bloody pulp with their bad intentions... even then, I try to stay positive or not talk about them.  I don't want those who don't have an interest in my well being to have a say or any influence in my life.  Thankfully, I have no trouble with telling people how I feel to their faces, so it's rare that I am trapped in negative thought.  This trait has gotten me in trouble more than once in my life, but it is honest and helps me to sleep at night!  Ethics and honesty are amazingly important to me.

We dyed a blue streak in my whoodles hair tonight...just for the fun of it.  Poor baby....it is really dark between her eyes and lighter on the rest of her head.  I am hoping it is faded when it dries!  LOL....mistake of the night.

Lexi touched up the blue in her hair (thus the whoodle dye).  She's happy.  Somehow her two friends are at our house without asking and they seem to expect to stay for the night.  Eh, I guess it's ok.  Too late to walk home now.

There is an extremely annoying movie on TBS that has Larry the Cable Guy in it.  I don't even care enough to find out the name.  "Something Witnesses".....says Lexi.

Wow, can't believe I'm really a Grandma.  Kelly and I are way too young to be Grandparents.

Found out through the rumor mill that apparently my husband's joke starring me where he talks about why he's a happy man was the subject of an off color discussion at work.  Thanks honey!

Missing Kelly.  We've both been working a LOT lately!  Looking forward to a trip to California soon.  It's been 8 years since we have flown away together somewhere just the two of us.  Way overdue!

I love my Loki puppy....he's so cute!  This dog is probably the most affectionate dog I have ever had.  He doesn't realize he weighs over 70 pounds...he just plops on your lap, rests his head on your shoulder, leans against you as you stand.

The scary thing about this post is that I just typed everything that ran through my head without editing or filtering for the last few minutes.

Larry the Cable guy is crude and NOT funny!

Ok...off to get a glass of water and maybe lay down.  Hope my honey is home soon.

Night Night!!

I'm a Grandma!!!

My son Adam became a father on February 20th, 2012 at 6:48am.  Karson Allen Lillo was 9lb 2oz and 20 inches long at birth. It's amazing to think of the not so long ago little boy having a son of his own.

Adam is going to be a great father. He is so proud of his little boy and his step son, Kayden.  He has been driving back and forth between Kansas and Wisconsin almost every weekend to be there for his fiancee, Kassie, as much as he could during the pregnancy.  I am so grateful that he was able to be there for the birth.

In June of this year, Adam fully expects to be deployed to Afghanistan.  He's already been in Iraq for a year not so long ago.  I pray that by June there will be no reason to send soldiers to Afghanistan.  The first year of his son's life is so crucial and he will change and grow so much.

Blessings on my son and his beautiful growing family!

 Kassie and Karson

 Kayden showing Karson how to play Nintendo DS

Karson Allen Lillo

My Miracle; Thank you Whitney

Miracle by Whitney Houston


Writer: EDMONDS, KENNETH B / REID, ANTONIO 

How could I throw away a miracle 
How could I face another day 
It's all of my doing 
I made a choice 
And today I pay 
My heart is full of pain 
How could you understand 
The way I feel 
How could you relate to so much pain 
Seems as though nothing can comfort me 
So today I pray 
That someone should listen for 

[Chorus] 
Nothing should matter 
Not when love grows inside you 
The choice is yours 
There's a miracle in store 
Nothing should matter 
Not when love grows inside you 
A voice of love is crying out 
Don't throw love away 
There's a miracle in store 

How could I let go of a miracle 
Nothing could ever take its place 
Thought I was looking 
Out for myself 
Now it seems the pain 
Is all that I have gained 
I wonder if I could be your miracle 
I wonder if I could spare you pain 
Seems as though nothing will comfort me 
Less today I pray 
That you should come listen 

[Chorus] 

Don't ever throw away your miracle 
Don't let it slip away 
Nothing should matter 


[Chorus]


The passing of Whitney Houston has taken me by surprise, just as many in the world right now...but I think for a very different reason.  I am a Whitney Houston fan.  I have been since her very first Album in 1985.  I have every song she ever sang memorized.  I drove everyone in my family and friends circles crazy by listening to her music and singing at the top of my lungs.  Some jokingly called me, "White Whitney".  I saw her in concert in the 90's and it was the most amazing concert I have ever seen!  Whitney truly loved her art, her fans, her family.  Her lyrics spoke to me....helped me to make sense of situations.  Calming, soothing, reassuring.  Whitney was an ingrained part of my life.  There is one situation from which she helped me heal, make sense of, forgive myself and others who hurt me.  A moment of revelation that I will never forget. 


~~~~~~~~~~


All through high school, I was pretty naive and conservative.  I didn't drink, didn't smoke, got decent grades, played sports, loved theater and choir.... I was a fairly "easy" child, although my mom might not always agree with that statement.  On the surface I seemed well adjusted and easy going.  Underneath, I was hurt, awkward, shy, and desparately trying not to make any mistakes.  I had been sexually molested as a child and that had never come out into the open or been dealt with in any way.  It was the secret that I was carrying so deep that I didn't even remember it myself.  

When I graduated from High School after one year of college, I decided I would move out of my parents house to live with a friend for the summer. I planned to work and "save" money for school.  What I found by moving out into a apartment building complex full of nothing but college students and young adults was the world of partying.  I was 18, naive, not sure of how to enforce boundaries in the real world, used to the friends from my Christian High School who all kind of operated by the same rules, and I was carrying around a ticking time bomb of hurt from my childhood. As could be expected, I progressed quickly from partying by having a couple of drinks to drinking huge amounts of alchohol at a time.  I had periods of black outs where people would tell me some of the things I had done the night before and I wouldn't believe them.  My roommates were more like acquaintances than friends.  I had not chosen well for myself.  

Despite all of this, I remained the dependable constant person that I am in many ways.  I held down 3 jobs and always drew the line to not let partying interfere with work.  I met a boy not too long after moving there and we hit it off.  He was newly graduated just like me, a football star, sweet although a little impulsive, and I thought I was starting to fall in love.  We talked about physical intimacy and I told him that I wanted to wait until I was married.  That was an important thing to me.  He agreed and seemed to support that idea.  A couple of months into our relationship however, after a night of drinking too much, I was unable to stop him.  Once he had his way with me once, he would not take no for an answer.  It took me years to call that what it was....date rape.   

Out of that situation came my miracle...the catalyst that caused me to stop hurting myself and being used.  I became pregnant.  As soon as I found out it was as if a switch was flipped.  I immediately stopped all of the crazy things I was doing.  I got to a doctor for prenatal care.  I moved out of the apartment and away from the people that didn't care about me.  The extent of my young "partying years" was about 7 months and I was done.  

My parents and family were amazingly supportive as I went through my pregnancy.  Some friends when I told them what happened asked the question....why don't you get an abortion?  You're too young to have a child! You have your whole life in front of you!  Truth is....yeah I was young, I needed to finish school, I couldn't afford it, the man who had forced himself on me wasn't going to be taking any responsibility, I was facing embarassment for my family because of being pregnant and unmarried....but I never considered abortion an option.  Some friends stopped talking to me and were angry at me for my choice.  I let them go.  I did not see the life growing inside me as having any relation to the painful circumstances that led up to my pregnancy.  

During my pregnancy, it was as if a floodgate had opened...the memories poured back!  I was overwhelmed as the sting of the experiences of having been sexually abused by two offenders starting at the tender age of 3 ranging to the age of 12 came back into my consciousness.   After my son was born, I got into college.  That is where my healing journey began.  I Joined a therapy group for people who had experienced rape and sexual abuse.  I learned that life events such as a pregnancy are often the trigger that releases repressed memories.  I learned that I had to act fast to get some counseling and work on dealing with the memories before they buried themselves again.  

Whitney's song; Greatest Love of All helped me with this process.  While listening to the lyrics, I was able to see myself as a child who needed to be protected while experiencing those things rather than someone who was to blame because she deserved it.  I realized that I had to love myself enough to protect and draw boundaries.  Small hints of forgiveness crept in. 

The song, Miracle, came out shortly after I started college.  My old friend who had guided me through feelings of first love, celebration, teenage angst, and self reflection now had a completely different message.  The first time I listened to it tears streamed down my face.  I felt as if she was singing that song for me.  My son, Adam, was my miracle.  Had I thrown him away as I was advised to by my friends I would have had another traumatic situation to try to overcome.   I love you, Adam!! I hope in some way I was your miracle too!  I can't wait to see you with your son in your arms as he will be soon.  I am so proud of you!!

Nothing should matter 
Not when love grows inside you 
The choice is yours 
There's a miracle in store 
Nothing should matter 
Not when love grows inside you 
A voice of love is crying out 
Don't throw your love away 
There's a miracle in store 

Last night, I sang this song in honor of Whitney.  I wasn't sure exactly why I chose it over some of the other bigger hits she had until now.  It's been a long time since I have reflected on this situation and my path to healing.  Thank you again, Whitney.   You were a big part of my life and my heart hurts knowing you won't have the chance now to complete your healing journey on Earth.  I pray that you are at peace and whole again in Heaven.  

Queen; Mercury's Rising!!

Tonight we were able to practice with the Anchorage Symphony Orchestra and the lead singer and band that we are accompanying.  My son, Kelly II and I are singing in a 50 voice choir in a tribute to Queen this weekend!  It's going to be an awesome show!! This experience so far has been one of the most fun things I have done in a long time.  I love to sing, but don't get a chance to do more than karaoke every once in awhile.  Singing with a choir again made me realize how much I have not been singing in my range or using my voice in the proper way lately.  It's feels good to exercise that skill again!

I have always been a first soprano.  I easily played the part of Mabel in the Pirates of Penzance and hit all of the high notes when I was in High School.  I sang in a tour choir all through high school and into college...always doing the descants and highest parts.  After years of singing only occasionally with a church choir and singing karaoke type stuff, I had some work to do....it took me about 3 weeks of warming up, vocal exercises, and practice to get my voice back into the range it once was.  I will definitely be looking for more opportunities to keep my voice in shape after this!! :-) Hallelujah Chorus next winter!!

I forgot how happy I am when I sing, I mean truly sing.   The kind of music that starts at your toes and pours out of your heart.  Queen songs are a great tool to elicit such passion...Freddie Mercury was brilliant!! There is such intricacy in the choral parts and I was overwhelmed with the complexity of the orchestra parts tonight.  Wow....I hope that you have a chance to come to the show and experience first hand the beauty of this music washing over you.  It will be an experience!!

Tonight we were in the middle of a song, and the conductor for the orchestra stopped and said...."is there a name for your choir?"
No!
He's like..."How about the Stevettes? (after Steven Alvarez, the very talented director who got us ready for a show of such high caliber).
One of the tenors next to me blurted out...."Mercury's Rising!"
Yeah!  we all loved that.  The lead singer paused and asked, "who said Mercury Rising? NICE!!"

Tomorrow night.....Anchorage Symphony Orchestra and Mercury's Rising present One Vision: The Music of Queen!!

One Vision: The Music of Queen

Lost in busyness

Have you ever felt totally at the mercy of your schedule? So busy that you don't have time to pause in between activities or have time to gather your thoughts as you run from one meeting, appointment, or job to another?  That has been my last week or so.  Here it is, 11:30 at night and I am totally exhausted, yet I can't shut my brain down to actually sleep.  I think in the last 4 days I've maybe gotten an average of 4 to 5 hours of sleep per night.  I need a way to unwind.  Too many ideas in my head!!! Really missing time with my honey right now.  He helps me relax...but he's running just as much.

Full Moon in Alaska

Dramatic winter sky 

Jagged mountains on the horizon

The brightness of the glowing orb

Light trail across the snow

Lazy clouds, black against midnight cannot conceal the aura

Adding a soft gracefulness to it's power

Never before has the moon

Seemed close enough to touch

Close enough to feel

Close enough to hear

A spiritual presence...

Full moon in Alaska

Life Lessons from The Big Miracle

Yesterday my husband, his friend Sam, and three of our kids with their friends and/or girlfriends all went to the opening night show of the Big Miracle at the Tikahatnu Theater on Muldoon.  There we watched the film and I was able to see more detail in Kelly's scene than I did at the first preview show where we were so excited that half of the scene we missed cheering and hugging each other. The camera is focused on Kelly long enough to not only capture his dialogue, but also some of his signature facial expressions, including an eye brow raise that I find particularly endearing.  It's a great addition to his resume and I am extremely proud of him!  If you haven't seen this movie, you must go!!!

The film, Big Miracle started out with the title "Everybody Loves Whales."  As production moved on, the title was changed.  The change seems fitting.  The biggest miracle shown in the film was the demonstration of what can happen when people put aside stress causing, political, cultural, and petty differences and truly work together towards a common goal.  This film shows how competition and conflict tearing groups of people apart can make reasonable, loving, passionate people look like assholes.  It shows that the people who are truly assholes have karma bite them and trip them up.  It also shows how we often rationalize stereotypes and feelings of superiority and allow our pride to stand in the way of reaching out to those who could really help us along our paths, even if it means failing miserably.

Appearances aren't everything.  You aren't always right.  Passion is beautiful.  Some conflict is necessary. The answers aren't always obvious.  Listen to more than your reactions.  Respect the feelings and culture and faith of those around you.  No one is as important as they think they are.

Fight for what you believe in, follow your dreams..... but take a moment to reflect on your method of fighting to make sure that it isn't alienating the very person that cares about you and can help you the most.

Analyzing or Worrying?

I use a lot of energy analyzing and weighing choices, situations, plans for improvement.  When faced with important decisions my brain immediately starts spinning and I have to work it through before moving on to much else, I do research, ask others for their opinions, and try to figure out every possible scenario for choices being considered.  I try to have a general plan of how to realistically implement that choice.  Sometimes it's simple and straightforward and a quick process.  Other times it is an emotional journey that stresses me to the point that those closest to me notice the effects.  I usually don't take long to work through that acute phase, but wish I could find a way to relax and not experience the bad parts of my creativity.  I have had physical symptoms such as shortness of breath or chest pain.  I have withdrawn and become quiet as I problem solve.  I have reached out to others for support and gotten frustrated if they don't respond to my stress in the way that I need them to.  Once I come out on the other side of my stress I am able to make clear and good decisions.  I am highly successful in implementing those decisions once I make them.  The whole process confuses me because I am not afraid of change...I thrive on challenges and high expectations.  I am stuck...wondering if I am experiencing my natural process for analyzing and problem solving or it it's unnecessary worry that I should try to do something about.   Haha.....yes, I guess I am writing this post because I am worrying about how much I worry.  Anyone have the name of a good shrink?

The Farm Last Night

So this week has been a rather intense week of major transitions...some things sad, some exciting, all with great potential.  I have been in lots of meetings and doing lots of talking and brainstorming...all of which I enjoy.  When changes are happening and information gathering is going on; I also need time to reflect and digest all of the input I am getting to help turn it into something useful.

My husband was DJing at the Peanut Farm and I decided to go along to have a chance to relax and unwind, maybe dance a little bit.  It was early when we got there and there wasn't a big crowd so I selected a table in the corner and sat down.  I texted a few friends earlier in the night to see if they felt like coming out and everyone was in for the night so it was just me at the table in between the times when Kelly could stop by to talk for a bit.

For some that would be a stress inducing thing...to sit alone in a public place.  For me it was relaxing and re-energizing.  I had a chance to browse in my phone, ponder a few things, and just generally let go of some tension that had built up as I slowly sipped on my Captain and Diet Coke and my big glass of water.  A few friends stopped by for a moment, and I talked...but was probably not the best listener...I was distracted!  Didn't realize how much I really needed that moment until I was living it.

Unfortunately, the one thing a woman sitting alone in a bar does attract is men who think they might have a chance.  As I was sitting there, a man roughly my age came and sat down at the table next to mine.  He asked me what I was drinking.  I told him.  He asked if he could buy me a drink.  I told him sure as long as he bought one for my husband too.  He ignored that and kept talking....

"So, what do you do?".
 I'm a nurse.
 "Oh.  How long have you lived in Alaska?"
  3 years.
 "So...how do you like it here?"
It's great, beautiful.  (each time I answered a question with as short of a phrase as possible, I glanced back at my smart phone hoping he could see just how disinterested I was in getting to know him).
 "That's a really beautiful....umm....shirt" This was painfully slow and he was struggling with the words.
 Thanks.
"So....do you like nursing?"
 Sure it's great.
 "What kind of nurse are you, ICU or something?."
No, women's health.
"What does that mean?"
 Babies.
 "Oh"......."So, how's nursing?"
Didn't we cover that?
 "Do you want to dance?"
Maybe later.  Relaxing now.
"Let's try it...come on"
Ok....so I got up and danced a painful song.

His dance moves were a little like an epileptic seizure and his clapping off beat.  I was smiling, but only because I wanted to start laughing.  I shot Kelly a few looks as we were dancing. He looked on bemusedly.  When the song ended I bolted back to my chair praying he wouldn't follow me.  No such luck.  Not only does he sit back down, THIS time he sits down at the booth beside me and slides up next to me putting his arm on the back of my chair.

 He opens up with.  "I'm here on business from Fairbanks"

 (I'm sure that line works on all the girls!!) LMAO!!!

He continues; "I work for the railroad!"  .....

I scoot forward away from him and ask him to move over.  He doesn't budge, but leans in closer to talk to me.  Then I hear Kelly on the mic, "Dude, move away from my wife!"  He sits there.  Twice more Kelly says it adding an emphatic, "I am not kidding, move your hand and get away from my wife!" before he slides over a little to the table next to me.

He glares at me and says, "Why didn't you tell me your husband was here!"  I replied, "Does it matter, I told you I was married?  That doesn't change if he's here or not here!"

"Not to most people, he retorted angrily!"  He sat there quietly as if trying to decide his next move; head in his hands.  Finally he got up and left without saying anything.

WOW!

After he left, the security guard and my waitress both checked on me to make sure I was ok, and I was able to go back to my quiet contemplation.

After getting home we settled into bed, both exhausted from our busy weeks with lots on our mind.  As he slipped his arm around me and I snuggled into his chest, I realized that this is my absolute favorite place in the world to be.  This is where stress and cares and intrusions don't matter. This is home.  Everything melted away except for a feeling of love, safety, and peace.... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Sunshine

It's been COLD....I mean really cold, and not just...."hey stupid you live in Alaska cold".  We have had about a month long stretch of below zero weather.  Anchorage winters are usually pretty mild and tolerable.  You have enough snow to enjoy the beauty and winter sports, and the temperature stays around a pretty steady 20 degrees or so with a short stretch of below zero weather that you can put up with for a few days and then get over.  Not so much this year.  It's been relentlessly cold!  Spirit dampening cold!  Keep you from wanting to go anywhere cold.  CABIN FEVER anyone?

Today the sky is a beautiful blue, the sun is out, and the white frost coating has gone from our trees in the backyard.  I can't deny the beauty of what's been created by this cold snap. I am however, ready for the next scene!