Instinctive, Socialized, and Rational

Today I received awesome information through a program at work.  It explained the tendencies I was born with and what I was drawn to instinctively to meet my basic needs to be able to move on to the next level.  It then went on to what I was socialized into believing was the right way to interact with others and find satisfying activities, and further shared information about the Rational level which shows where you want to be operating to get the most joy out of work, play, and other activities.  This was especially eye opening.  I found that my instinctive nature was to take a more conservative, informed, well planned out, weigh the pros and cons, and seek out information to gain understanding type of approach.  My socialized message was that I needed to be cooperative and work in groups and be adaptive to help the whole group meet it's goals.  To be open to innovation and ideas and respect those ideas in others.  My rational is a combination of the group oriented thought and the careful planning and information gathering...with more of an emphasis on creative problem solving, providing many choices and alternatives, having autonomy, and not being told what to do.

I read the descriptions of what I wanted and how others could use this information to approach me in a more constructive way.  I read what my tendencies were under stress and how they changed from my normal when my basic needs were met.  I LOVED what it had to say and wished I could tape instructions on my forehead for others to follow.

Armed with this new information and feeling relieved to see it in print and realize that there was cause and effect for some of the behaviors that have caused stress within my Husband's and my communication, I came home excited to share this information with him and open up a new dialogue...making the assumption that he would be motivated to and would want to take a look at something that may relieve the only two areas of stress that come up from time to time in our relationship.  What I met with I wasn't prepared to handle.

I described the concept.  He said. "I know everything about you already and what's in that report won't tell me anything new." I paused a moment...then took a deep breath and kept diving in because our relationship is so important to me that I wanted to be open to trying something different.  I read descriptions of what I instinctively need, what I am socialized to think I need, and what makes me happy to get in my rational dimension.  He listened in silence, so my confidence grew as I went on to read how my instinctive nature leads me to ask questions and clarify and gather information to help promote understanding.  I tried to explain that I understood at times that when I asked questions that he reacted to it and felt as if I was accusing him or asking him to report to me, but this instinctive need might help him understand my need to gather information to help promote my understanding of and processing of a situation so that I know how to positively influence it.

Moments later I asked him questions about a business decision that he made to join the Anchorage Chamber of Commerce.  I asked him why he chose to do so, how it would benefit him, how it worked. I truly knew nothing about how a Chamber of Commerce worked...my only frame of reference was a 6th grade social studies project where I wrote to a cities' Chamber of Commerce to get information to do a report.  I was asking the questions out of honest curiosity and with what fit into my frame of reference for how I would weigh the pros and cons of a decision.  You would have thought that I accused him of leaving dirty underwear at a woman's house by the reaction that occurred.  I was floored. Following my instincts, which I had just described method and purpose of moments before,  created a panic response in the man that I love above all others.

How can such good intentions and excitement over trying something new turn into such a disaster?

I am very puzzled by this and don't know how to reconcile it.  I can't ask more questions at this point because I don't know how to avoid stepping on the triggers that are there.  I also am raw and vulnerable and not ready to hop into a battle of the wills without coming out burned and stressed more.

Now one of the best days in my life for a long time that actually relieved stress and made me feel like I might achieve better understanding at both work and at home feels like a failure.  I feel like I made things worse by trying to improve them.  Any advice?  Any words of wisdom?

I can only beat my head against an irrational brick wall so long.  I just want some fucking understanding to be thrown my way once in awhile instead of me always having to be the one that accommodates and drops things when an impasse happens.  My head hurts, my stomach hurts, and I can't sleep.