2013; On to the new me.....

So my son recommended to me today that I should read a new book.  It's called; The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.  I hadn't really identified a tangible resolution for 2013 up until this point except a general one of wanting to transform my health, both physically and mentally.  In this book there are exercises that it asks you to do and write down to help change your image of yourself.... the opening paragraph shared this concept: 

‎"All the suffering and the drama in your life is a result of what you have learned. Whatever you learn is alive. The image that you have of yourself is alive and it lives in your mind. That image is not you, but it will use everything it perceives to justify it's own existence. It is not you, but it is eating you alive and destroying your happiness." 

The exercises are meant to explore what you have learned in life and applied into your image of yourself in a different way.  To capture it for review and to ensure that I follow through in it's work, I am going to be doing the exercises here, in my blog.  You are welcome to comment, participate, or try the exercises yourself.  I hope in some way this will provide benefit not only to myself, but also to another. 

Practice Idea #1:  The image of Perfection (paraphrased from the book)

Are you aware of the distorted images you have of yourself? What are the images that others have projected on you?  Consider any agreements that tell you what you can and cannot have and what you can and cannot be.  Become aware of the agreements that you have made with yourself to help recover the awareness of your authentic self.  The objective is to become aware of any agreements that limit the expression of your creativity, your happiness, or your love.  

Try to recall your earliest memories of what other have told you about yourself.  With that in mind answer the following questions.

What are the images that were projected onto you?  (What I was a child I was told that I was.....)

Creative, a good singer, a good artist, an animal lover, a tom boy, quiet, shy

I was told that I always needed to respect authority

I was told that I needed to believe in God and that many things were sinful and shameful.  

I was told that sex was shameful unless it was between a married couple, but even then you couldn't talk about it or make it a big part of your life

I was told that I was stupid and in the way

I was told to be quiet

I was told not to talk back

I was told I was to blame when a grown man sexually abused me.  I was told I should never tell.  I was told that my Grandfather is the one that told him to do those things to me and that I would be in trouble with him if I told (by the abuser)

I was told that I was selfish if I asked for anything or if I complained

I was told by a teacher that I would never be good at math

I was told that I was fat and ugly and that I had a big butt

What limitations were you told you had? (I was told that my limitation were....)

Don't ask a lot of questions, just do what I say

Go to church every Sunday or you are a bad person

Don't sleep late or you are lazy

Don't talk about, think about, or try to learn about sex

Don't tell anyone what adults or older siblings are doing or you will be a snitch

Be careful

Tell the truth

I would never be good at math

I would never be as good at sports as my sister

I would never be loved by others as much as my cousins

When you were a child what did others tell you about what it meant to be a boy or a girl?

Boys: Athletic, strong, gross, mean, loud, crude, tend to fight, wear dark colors, dress up for church, not as smart as girls, not interested in emotional things; like to hunt, like to watch sports, like scary movies, like to get dirty

Girls:  Smart, quiet, kind, caring, gets along with others, likes to talk, sewing, baking, takes care of and waits on others, nurturing, passive, must obey men, have to be good, don't cause trouble, get good grades, don't be sweaty, smell nice, not allowed to ask for what they want...must be patient and wait until they get things

Did you fit the ideal image of what it was to be a girl?  Yes and No

I liked sports, but never thought I was good at them.  I liked to hunt, help my Dad with things, work on the farm.  I spent the majority of my childhood outdoors and with animals.  I was quiet.  I didn't ask for what I wanted.  I didn't argue very often and when I did I often gave way to what others wanted.  I was smart, kind, caring, got along with others (although a loner at heart) and I felt misunderstood.  Often people would tell me how I felt about things and they were SO far away from what I really thought that it amazed me.  When I tried to explain what I really was thinking, it seemed they didn't believe me and I was still labeled with whatever it was that their impression was.  I was not an easy child to read because I was carrying many secrets and hid them behind a mask.  I was abused at the age of 3 and thought everyone could see right through me, yet they never talked about it.  I thought older people could read my thoughts and see  what was in my heart...but when they spoke it it was wrong, so then I thought maybe I was the one that was wrong.  

Make a list of the qualities that were told you should have both personal and physical:

• Honesty
• Trustworthiness
• Integrity
• Faith
• Tall
• Long legs
• In Shape
• Hard Working
• Never Complaining
• Kind
• Gentle

Make a list of the qualities you believe you have:

• Honesty
• Trustworthiness
• Integrity
• Faith
• Hard working
• Don't complain often
• Put others first
• Kind
• Gentle
• Strong
• An advocate for myself and others
• Protective of my familiyl
• Respectful
• A Leader
• Intelligent
• Thoughtful
• Contemplative
• Just
• Fair
• Patient
• Empathy
• Slow to judge.  I try to ask questions and find out the facts first

Make a list of qualities that others think you have:

• I think this list is the same as the one above...plus
• Some think I am a bitch or aloof because I don't talk much
• Quiet
• Calm under pressure

Make a list of qualities that you wish you had:

• No jealousy
• More comfort around others with strong personalities
• More comfort in large social gatherings
• The ability to always convey confidence
• The ability to not let other's emotions affect me
• The ability to not care what others think

Our image of perfection is the reason we reject ourselves.  It's why we don't accept ourselves and why we don't accept others the way they are.  Describe your image of perfection...What would you look like?  What type of personality would you have?

I actually like my personality, mostly because I try to base it around being respectful to others and thoughtful around what I do.  The only things about my personality I would change is that I would love to be more social, to feel comfortable in large groups of people, and to be more open in some of the boundaries that I have without guilt.  

My perfect looks would be... healthy weight, long hair, nice nails, tall, still the same proportions with an hourglass shape. Fashionable dress....great business casual.  

Is it humanly possible for you to achieve this image of perfection, how?  Yes with diet and exercise as well as work on erasing some of the boundaries that have held me back in the past.  

Does your image of perfection inspire you to be your best or does it discourage you?  Encourages me to be my best.  At times I will get discouraged while working on my physical appearance.  Weight loss is hard work with set backs and I have a lot of weight to lose.  

What is your image of perfection for others?

My image of perfection for my partner is:  He is strong, supportive, loving, faithful, respectful, and always willing and ready to defend me.  He values his relationship with me and enjoys spending time with me.  He is passionate and dominant in nature while being fair, kind, and protective.  He can take charge, but stay kind while doing so.  He loves his family and supports them in good and bad times.  He is happy, healthy, and in control of his emotions.  He can show these things in many ways, they don't have to be words or mushy displays of affection.  He is creative, hard working, and honest.  

My image of perfection for my children are:  They work hard at whatever they choose to do.  They help around the house.  They strive to be the best at school, work.  They support each other.  They are honest.  They are happy.    They are beautiful and respectful.  

My image of perfection for my parents are:  They love me and my family.  They trust us to make good decisions and to live our lives in the way that we choose.  They have confidence that we are raising our children to be good people and citizens.  They don't care what we think politically or try to force us to believe what they believe. 

My image of perfection for my best friend is:  Someone that I trust

My image of perfection for my co-workers are:  That they work hard.  That they are ethical and honest.  That they do not jump to conclusions.  That they respect each other and are open to problem solving and new ideas.  That they don't try to exert power over each other.  That they respect and value me just as I respect and value them. 

My image of perfection for my boss is:  That she listens to me.  That she asks me how I feel and never assumes.  That she gives me feedback either negative or positive in a timely way.  That she trusts my judgement, knowledge, and expertise to allow me to use it to the best of my ability.  I need to be able to learn something from her and have her open to teaching, listening, and helping me to grow.  

The exercises continue....But must in a new post.  This is getting really long!  Please feel free to reuse this format and ask the questions of yourself.