My Miracle; Thank you Whitney

Miracle by Whitney Houston


Writer: EDMONDS, KENNETH B / REID, ANTONIO 

How could I throw away a miracle 
How could I face another day 
It's all of my doing 
I made a choice 
And today I pay 
My heart is full of pain 
How could you understand 
The way I feel 
How could you relate to so much pain 
Seems as though nothing can comfort me 
So today I pray 
That someone should listen for 

[Chorus] 
Nothing should matter 
Not when love grows inside you 
The choice is yours 
There's a miracle in store 
Nothing should matter 
Not when love grows inside you 
A voice of love is crying out 
Don't throw love away 
There's a miracle in store 

How could I let go of a miracle 
Nothing could ever take its place 
Thought I was looking 
Out for myself 
Now it seems the pain 
Is all that I have gained 
I wonder if I could be your miracle 
I wonder if I could spare you pain 
Seems as though nothing will comfort me 
Less today I pray 
That you should come listen 

[Chorus] 

Don't ever throw away your miracle 
Don't let it slip away 
Nothing should matter 


[Chorus]


The passing of Whitney Houston has taken me by surprise, just as many in the world right now...but I think for a very different reason.  I am a Whitney Houston fan.  I have been since her very first Album in 1985.  I have every song she ever sang memorized.  I drove everyone in my family and friends circles crazy by listening to her music and singing at the top of my lungs.  Some jokingly called me, "White Whitney".  I saw her in concert in the 90's and it was the most amazing concert I have ever seen!  Whitney truly loved her art, her fans, her family.  Her lyrics spoke to me....helped me to make sense of situations.  Calming, soothing, reassuring.  Whitney was an ingrained part of my life.  There is one situation from which she helped me heal, make sense of, forgive myself and others who hurt me.  A moment of revelation that I will never forget. 


~~~~~~~~~~


All through high school, I was pretty naive and conservative.  I didn't drink, didn't smoke, got decent grades, played sports, loved theater and choir.... I was a fairly "easy" child, although my mom might not always agree with that statement.  On the surface I seemed well adjusted and easy going.  Underneath, I was hurt, awkward, shy, and desparately trying not to make any mistakes.  I had been sexually molested as a child and that had never come out into the open or been dealt with in any way.  It was the secret that I was carrying so deep that I didn't even remember it myself.  

When I graduated from High School after one year of college, I decided I would move out of my parents house to live with a friend for the summer. I planned to work and "save" money for school.  What I found by moving out into a apartment building complex full of nothing but college students and young adults was the world of partying.  I was 18, naive, not sure of how to enforce boundaries in the real world, used to the friends from my Christian High School who all kind of operated by the same rules, and I was carrying around a ticking time bomb of hurt from my childhood. As could be expected, I progressed quickly from partying by having a couple of drinks to drinking huge amounts of alchohol at a time.  I had periods of black outs where people would tell me some of the things I had done the night before and I wouldn't believe them.  My roommates were more like acquaintances than friends.  I had not chosen well for myself.  

Despite all of this, I remained the dependable constant person that I am in many ways.  I held down 3 jobs and always drew the line to not let partying interfere with work.  I met a boy not too long after moving there and we hit it off.  He was newly graduated just like me, a football star, sweet although a little impulsive, and I thought I was starting to fall in love.  We talked about physical intimacy and I told him that I wanted to wait until I was married.  That was an important thing to me.  He agreed and seemed to support that idea.  A couple of months into our relationship however, after a night of drinking too much, I was unable to stop him.  Once he had his way with me once, he would not take no for an answer.  It took me years to call that what it was....date rape.   

Out of that situation came my miracle...the catalyst that caused me to stop hurting myself and being used.  I became pregnant.  As soon as I found out it was as if a switch was flipped.  I immediately stopped all of the crazy things I was doing.  I got to a doctor for prenatal care.  I moved out of the apartment and away from the people that didn't care about me.  The extent of my young "partying years" was about 7 months and I was done.  

My parents and family were amazingly supportive as I went through my pregnancy.  Some friends when I told them what happened asked the question....why don't you get an abortion?  You're too young to have a child! You have your whole life in front of you!  Truth is....yeah I was young, I needed to finish school, I couldn't afford it, the man who had forced himself on me wasn't going to be taking any responsibility, I was facing embarassment for my family because of being pregnant and unmarried....but I never considered abortion an option.  Some friends stopped talking to me and were angry at me for my choice.  I let them go.  I did not see the life growing inside me as having any relation to the painful circumstances that led up to my pregnancy.  

During my pregnancy, it was as if a floodgate had opened...the memories poured back!  I was overwhelmed as the sting of the experiences of having been sexually abused by two offenders starting at the tender age of 3 ranging to the age of 12 came back into my consciousness.   After my son was born, I got into college.  That is where my healing journey began.  I Joined a therapy group for people who had experienced rape and sexual abuse.  I learned that life events such as a pregnancy are often the trigger that releases repressed memories.  I learned that I had to act fast to get some counseling and work on dealing with the memories before they buried themselves again.  

Whitney's song; Greatest Love of All helped me with this process.  While listening to the lyrics, I was able to see myself as a child who needed to be protected while experiencing those things rather than someone who was to blame because she deserved it.  I realized that I had to love myself enough to protect and draw boundaries.  Small hints of forgiveness crept in. 

The song, Miracle, came out shortly after I started college.  My old friend who had guided me through feelings of first love, celebration, teenage angst, and self reflection now had a completely different message.  The first time I listened to it tears streamed down my face.  I felt as if she was singing that song for me.  My son, Adam, was my miracle.  Had I thrown him away as I was advised to by my friends I would have had another traumatic situation to try to overcome.   I love you, Adam!! I hope in some way I was your miracle too!  I can't wait to see you with your son in your arms as he will be soon.  I am so proud of you!!

Nothing should matter 
Not when love grows inside you 
The choice is yours 
There's a miracle in store 
Nothing should matter 
Not when love grows inside you 
A voice of love is crying out 
Don't throw your love away 
There's a miracle in store 

Last night, I sang this song in honor of Whitney.  I wasn't sure exactly why I chose it over some of the other bigger hits she had until now.  It's been a long time since I have reflected on this situation and my path to healing.  Thank you again, Whitney.   You were a big part of my life and my heart hurts knowing you won't have the chance now to complete your healing journey on Earth.  I pray that you are at peace and whole again in Heaven.