2013; On to the new me.....

So my son recommended to me today that I should read a new book.  It's called; The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.  I hadn't really identified a tangible resolution for 2013 up until this point except a general one of wanting to transform my health, both physically and mentally.  In this book there are exercises that it asks you to do and write down to help change your image of yourself.... the opening paragraph shared this concept: 

‎"All the suffering and the drama in your life is a result of what you have learned. Whatever you learn is alive. The image that you have of yourself is alive and it lives in your mind. That image is not you, but it will use everything it perceives to justify it's own existence. It is not you, but it is eating you alive and destroying your happiness." 

The exercises are meant to explore what you have learned in life and applied into your image of yourself in a different way.  To capture it for review and to ensure that I follow through in it's work, I am going to be doing the exercises here, in my blog.  You are welcome to comment, participate, or try the exercises yourself.  I hope in some way this will provide benefit not only to myself, but also to another. 

Practice Idea #1:  The image of Perfection (paraphrased from the book)

Are you aware of the distorted images you have of yourself? What are the images that others have projected on you?  Consider any agreements that tell you what you can and cannot have and what you can and cannot be.  Become aware of the agreements that you have made with yourself to help recover the awareness of your authentic self.  The objective is to become aware of any agreements that limit the expression of your creativity, your happiness, or your love.  

Try to recall your earliest memories of what other have told you about yourself.  With that in mind answer the following questions.

What are the images that were projected onto you?  (What I was a child I was told that I was.....)

Creative, a good singer, a good artist, an animal lover, a tom boy, quiet, shy

I was told that I always needed to respect authority

I was told that I needed to believe in God and that many things were sinful and shameful.  

I was told that sex was shameful unless it was between a married couple, but even then you couldn't talk about it or make it a big part of your life

I was told that I was stupid and in the way

I was told to be quiet

I was told not to talk back

I was told I was to blame when a grown man sexually abused me.  I was told I should never tell.  I was told that my Grandfather is the one that told him to do those things to me and that I would be in trouble with him if I told (by the abuser)

I was told that I was selfish if I asked for anything or if I complained

I was told by a teacher that I would never be good at math

I was told that I was fat and ugly and that I had a big butt

What limitations were you told you had? (I was told that my limitation were....)

Don't ask a lot of questions, just do what I say

Go to church every Sunday or you are a bad person

Don't sleep late or you are lazy

Don't talk about, think about, or try to learn about sex

Don't tell anyone what adults or older siblings are doing or you will be a snitch

Be careful

Tell the truth

I would never be good at math

I would never be as good at sports as my sister

I would never be loved by others as much as my cousins

When you were a child what did others tell you about what it meant to be a boy or a girl?

Boys: Athletic, strong, gross, mean, loud, crude, tend to fight, wear dark colors, dress up for church, not as smart as girls, not interested in emotional things; like to hunt, like to watch sports, like scary movies, like to get dirty

Girls:  Smart, quiet, kind, caring, gets along with others, likes to talk, sewing, baking, takes care of and waits on others, nurturing, passive, must obey men, have to be good, don't cause trouble, get good grades, don't be sweaty, smell nice, not allowed to ask for what they want...must be patient and wait until they get things

Did you fit the ideal image of what it was to be a girl?  Yes and No

I liked sports, but never thought I was good at them.  I liked to hunt, help my Dad with things, work on the farm.  I spent the majority of my childhood outdoors and with animals.  I was quiet.  I didn't ask for what I wanted.  I didn't argue very often and when I did I often gave way to what others wanted.  I was smart, kind, caring, got along with others (although a loner at heart) and I felt misunderstood.  Often people would tell me how I felt about things and they were SO far away from what I really thought that it amazed me.  When I tried to explain what I really was thinking, it seemed they didn't believe me and I was still labeled with whatever it was that their impression was.  I was not an easy child to read because I was carrying many secrets and hid them behind a mask.  I was abused at the age of 3 and thought everyone could see right through me, yet they never talked about it.  I thought older people could read my thoughts and see  what was in my heart...but when they spoke it it was wrong, so then I thought maybe I was the one that was wrong.  

Make a list of the qualities that were told you should have both personal and physical:

• Honesty
• Trustworthiness
• Integrity
• Faith
• Tall
• Long legs
• In Shape
• Hard Working
• Never Complaining
• Kind
• Gentle

Make a list of the qualities you believe you have:

• Honesty
• Trustworthiness
• Integrity
• Faith
• Hard working
• Don't complain often
• Put others first
• Kind
• Gentle
• Strong
• An advocate for myself and others
• Protective of my familiyl
• Respectful
• A Leader
• Intelligent
• Thoughtful
• Contemplative
• Just
• Fair
• Patient
• Empathy
• Slow to judge.  I try to ask questions and find out the facts first

Make a list of qualities that others think you have:

• I think this list is the same as the one above...plus
• Some think I am a bitch or aloof because I don't talk much
• Quiet
• Calm under pressure

Make a list of qualities that you wish you had:

• No jealousy
• More comfort around others with strong personalities
• More comfort in large social gatherings
• The ability to always convey confidence
• The ability to not let other's emotions affect me
• The ability to not care what others think

Our image of perfection is the reason we reject ourselves.  It's why we don't accept ourselves and why we don't accept others the way they are.  Describe your image of perfection...What would you look like?  What type of personality would you have?

I actually like my personality, mostly because I try to base it around being respectful to others and thoughtful around what I do.  The only things about my personality I would change is that I would love to be more social, to feel comfortable in large groups of people, and to be more open in some of the boundaries that I have without guilt.  

My perfect looks would be... healthy weight, long hair, nice nails, tall, still the same proportions with an hourglass shape. Fashionable dress....great business casual.  

Is it humanly possible for you to achieve this image of perfection, how?  Yes with diet and exercise as well as work on erasing some of the boundaries that have held me back in the past.  

Does your image of perfection inspire you to be your best or does it discourage you?  Encourages me to be my best.  At times I will get discouraged while working on my physical appearance.  Weight loss is hard work with set backs and I have a lot of weight to lose.  

What is your image of perfection for others?

My image of perfection for my partner is:  He is strong, supportive, loving, faithful, respectful, and always willing and ready to defend me.  He values his relationship with me and enjoys spending time with me.  He is passionate and dominant in nature while being fair, kind, and protective.  He can take charge, but stay kind while doing so.  He loves his family and supports them in good and bad times.  He is happy, healthy, and in control of his emotions.  He can show these things in many ways, they don't have to be words or mushy displays of affection.  He is creative, hard working, and honest.  

My image of perfection for my children are:  They work hard at whatever they choose to do.  They help around the house.  They strive to be the best at school, work.  They support each other.  They are honest.  They are happy.    They are beautiful and respectful.  

My image of perfection for my parents are:  They love me and my family.  They trust us to make good decisions and to live our lives in the way that we choose.  They have confidence that we are raising our children to be good people and citizens.  They don't care what we think politically or try to force us to believe what they believe. 

My image of perfection for my best friend is:  Someone that I trust

My image of perfection for my co-workers are:  That they work hard.  That they are ethical and honest.  That they do not jump to conclusions.  That they respect each other and are open to problem solving and new ideas.  That they don't try to exert power over each other.  That they respect and value me just as I respect and value them. 

My image of perfection for my boss is:  That she listens to me.  That she asks me how I feel and never assumes.  That she gives me feedback either negative or positive in a timely way.  That she trusts my judgement, knowledge, and expertise to allow me to use it to the best of my ability.  I need to be able to learn something from her and have her open to teaching, listening, and helping me to grow.  

The exercises continue....But must in a new post.  This is getting really long!  Please feel free to reuse this format and ask the questions of yourself.  

Instinctive, Socialized, and Rational

Today I received awesome information through a program at work.  It explained the tendencies I was born with and what I was drawn to instinctively to meet my basic needs to be able to move on to the next level.  It then went on to what I was socialized into believing was the right way to interact with others and find satisfying activities, and further shared information about the Rational level which shows where you want to be operating to get the most joy out of work, play, and other activities.  This was especially eye opening.  I found that my instinctive nature was to take a more conservative, informed, well planned out, weigh the pros and cons, and seek out information to gain understanding type of approach.  My socialized message was that I needed to be cooperative and work in groups and be adaptive to help the whole group meet it's goals.  To be open to innovation and ideas and respect those ideas in others.  My rational is a combination of the group oriented thought and the careful planning and information gathering...with more of an emphasis on creative problem solving, providing many choices and alternatives, having autonomy, and not being told what to do.

I read the descriptions of what I wanted and how others could use this information to approach me in a more constructive way.  I read what my tendencies were under stress and how they changed from my normal when my basic needs were met.  I LOVED what it had to say and wished I could tape instructions on my forehead for others to follow.

Armed with this new information and feeling relieved to see it in print and realize that there was cause and effect for some of the behaviors that have caused stress within my Husband's and my communication, I came home excited to share this information with him and open up a new dialogue...making the assumption that he would be motivated to and would want to take a look at something that may relieve the only two areas of stress that come up from time to time in our relationship.  What I met with I wasn't prepared to handle.

I described the concept.  He said. "I know everything about you already and what's in that report won't tell me anything new." I paused a moment...then took a deep breath and kept diving in because our relationship is so important to me that I wanted to be open to trying something different.  I read descriptions of what I instinctively need, what I am socialized to think I need, and what makes me happy to get in my rational dimension.  He listened in silence, so my confidence grew as I went on to read how my instinctive nature leads me to ask questions and clarify and gather information to help promote understanding.  I tried to explain that I understood at times that when I asked questions that he reacted to it and felt as if I was accusing him or asking him to report to me, but this instinctive need might help him understand my need to gather information to help promote my understanding of and processing of a situation so that I know how to positively influence it.

Moments later I asked him questions about a business decision that he made to join the Anchorage Chamber of Commerce.  I asked him why he chose to do so, how it would benefit him, how it worked. I truly knew nothing about how a Chamber of Commerce worked...my only frame of reference was a 6th grade social studies project where I wrote to a cities' Chamber of Commerce to get information to do a report.  I was asking the questions out of honest curiosity and with what fit into my frame of reference for how I would weigh the pros and cons of a decision.  You would have thought that I accused him of leaving dirty underwear at a woman's house by the reaction that occurred.  I was floored. Following my instincts, which I had just described method and purpose of moments before,  created a panic response in the man that I love above all others.

How can such good intentions and excitement over trying something new turn into such a disaster?

I am very puzzled by this and don't know how to reconcile it.  I can't ask more questions at this point because I don't know how to avoid stepping on the triggers that are there.  I also am raw and vulnerable and not ready to hop into a battle of the wills without coming out burned and stressed more.

Now one of the best days in my life for a long time that actually relieved stress and made me feel like I might achieve better understanding at both work and at home feels like a failure.  I feel like I made things worse by trying to improve them.  Any advice?  Any words of wisdom?

I can only beat my head against an irrational brick wall so long.  I just want some fucking understanding to be thrown my way once in awhile instead of me always having to be the one that accommodates and drops things when an impasse happens.  My head hurts, my stomach hurts, and I can't sleep.

Human Nature, or Inhuman?

Today there is much buzzing in the news in Anchorage that doesn't feel good, that doesn't give you a lot of faith in some members of our society.  Samantha Koenig's body was most likely recovered from the Matanuska Lake today.  They are awaiting forensic evidence to be absolutely sure...but I highly doubt that the Anchorage Police Department and FBI would make such an announcement if the confirmation was more than a formality.  Preliminary reports say that Samantha was most likely killed within hours of her abduction on February 2nd of this year.  They have found no apparent connection between the suspected killer and Samantha or her family.  What drives a human to target another to harm them and take their life in such a random and heartless manner?  The very thought of it makes my heart hurt for her family, for the community, and for a young woman who was robbed of a lifetime!


Tomorrow is voting day in Anchorage.  Elections for Mayor are happening, but you would never know it.  The main thing that has overtaken, divided, and brought out the ugly side of our community is Proposition 5.  Proposition 5 calls for lesbian, gay, and trans-gendered citizens to have the same rights as others when it comes to avoiding discrimination in employment, financial practices, restaurants, housing, etc.  There are church groups who have put out ridiculous scare ads with a shameful portrayal of a trans-gendered person. Check out the disgusting ads on this website.  This page claims that religious rights of individuals will be taken away if this law is passed.  It even falsely claims that my place of employment, Providence Hospital, will be forced to hire gays, lesbians, and transgendered individuals against their religious convictions.....what that website fails to acknowledge (and perhaps doesn't even know) is that Providence does not discriminate in employment for LGBT people!! There are doctors, nurses, secretaries, techs, many professionals compassionately caring for patients and their families at Providence.  They have contributed so much and are doing such in a loving and professional way that does not infringe upon the rights or beliefs of others.  


I am a Christian.  I hate that others are using Christianity as a shield to hide their hate behind, and actually believing that they are righteous when they deem others unworthy of God's Love. 


Luke 10:25-37; King James Version

25And, behold, a certain lawyer stood up, and tempted him, saying, Master, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?

26He said unto him, What is written in the law? how readest thou?

27And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself.

28And he said unto him, Thou hast answered right: this do, and thou shalt live.

29But he, willing to justify himself, said unto Jesus, And who is my neighbour?

30And Jesus answering said, A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.

31And by chance there came down a certain priest that way: and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side.

32And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him, and passed by on the other side.

33But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him,

34And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him.

35And on the morrow when he departed, he took out two pence, and gave them to the host, and said unto him, Take care of him; and whatsoever thou spendest more, when I come again, I will repay thee.

36Which now of these three, thinkest thou, was neighbour unto him that fell among the thieves?

37And he said, He that shewed mercy on him. Then said Jesus unto him, Go, and do thou likewise.




Jesus, who is my neighbor? Certainly it is not only the ones that I agree with, not only the ones that I share the exact same thoughts, values, and ways of living with. Discrimination is not supported in the Bible...and should not be tolerated in our society!
OneAnchorage.com


Vote Yes on Proposition 5!!!

So Very Blessed

This is what Kelly and I have been working so hard to build together over the last 10 years.  Our children are our life, our motivation, and our joy.  Sometimes very few words are needed to tell the story....

 Our 2 Grandchildren, Kayden (3) and Karson (1 month)

The J boys!   Jerry, Jordan, Jamal

 Kelly II's recent performance in Superior Donuts

 Lexi

 Mary, Dad, Lexi

 Mary giving me a bear hug

 My handsome husband

 (back) Jamal, Jordan, Kelly II, Jerry (front) Mary, Lexi

 Adam and Kassie

Kelly and Dee

Something new or same old same old

I'm running out of ideas.  It's hard to keep reaching out when there isn't a welcoming feeling or reaching back in return.  Lying in silence is not my style.  Affection is a big part of who I am.    Teaching myself to stifle that and put it under glass is a skill that I will resist.  If I learn that skill, it may just be too late. I am warm, I am alive, I need to be treated that way.

Hope is the answer

I wonder what it will take to make things right?

How do you convince someone that lives in extremes that a little bad isn't a reason to give up and walk away.  A little bad is an expected state of being... a normal challenge....it doesn't have to destroy everything.  How do you share a perspective and keep a positive attitude when it feels like you are either totally loved or totally loathed.  No tolerance for mistakes, permission to show weakness, or belief that problems have a purpose.  

Living in extremes is something that is so hard to understand.  I see the good and bad, wrong and right in almost everything.  There are many right answers to one question...and with creativity even more can come about.  It is possible to love someone with all your heart even if you are angry at a behavior.  

Perhaps hope is the answer.  We need hope.  Hope that emotions won't cripple, that understanding will grow, that faith will remove the barriers, and that love can endure all.  

Spring Equinox

Today is the Spring Equinox.  It sure brought a flurry of activity with it.  You can tell it's a bit of a crazy day when you are being asked the third time in a day if there's a full moon or something.  Energy levels were high but very positive!

I am so thankful for a turn in tide.  Over the last couple of weeks I was really struggling with intense abdominal pain that seemed to have no answer.  Yesterday I was reservedly feeling a little better...today, I started the day with faint nausea and ended the day with a burst of energy, renewal, and a high level of productivity!  I am feeling so much better.  Praying that it stays that way!!!

Keep it up Spring!! (Oh and melt the snow already!)