So
my son recommended to me today that I should read a new book. It's
called; The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I hadn't really
identified a tangible resolution for 2013 up until this point except a general
one of wanting to transform my health, both physically and mentally. In
this book there are exercises that it asks you to do and write down to help
change your image of yourself.... the opening paragraph shared this
concept:
"All the suffering and the drama in your
life is a result of what you have learned. Whatever you learn is alive. The
image that you have of yourself is alive and it lives in your mind. That image
is not you, but it will use everything it perceives to justify it's own
existence. It is not you, but it is eating you alive and destroying your
happiness."
The exercises are meant to explore what you
have learned in life and applied into your image of yourself in a different
way. To capture it for review and to ensure that I follow through in it's
work, I am going to be doing the exercises here, in my blog. You are
welcome to comment, participate, or try the exercises yourself. I hope in
some way this will provide benefit not only to myself, but also to another.
Practice Idea #1:
The image of Perfection (paraphrased from the book)
Are you aware of the distorted images you have
of yourself? What are the images that others have projected on you?
Consider any agreements that tell you what you can and cannot have and
what you can and cannot be. Become aware of the agreements that you have
made with yourself to help recover the awareness of your authentic self.
The objective is to become aware of any agreements that limit the
expression of your creativity, your happiness, or your love.
Try to recall your earliest memories of what
other have told you about yourself. With that in mind answer the
following questions.
What are the images
that were projected onto you? (What I was a child I was told that I was.....)
Creative, a good singer, a good artist, an
animal lover, a tom boy, quiet, shy
I was told that I always needed to respect
authority
I was told that I needed to believe in God and
that many things were sinful and shameful.
I was told that sex was shameful unless it was
between a married couple, but even then you couldn't talk about it or make it a
big part of your life
I was told that I was stupid and in the way
I was told to be quiet
I was told not to talk back
I was told I was to blame when a grown man
sexually abused me. I was told I should never tell. I was told that
my Grandfather is the one that told him to do those things to me and that I
would be in trouble with him if I told (by the abuser)
I was told that I was selfish if I asked for anything
or if I complained
I was told by a teacher that I would never be
good at math
I was told that I was fat and ugly and that I
had a big butt
What limitations
were you told you had? (I was told that my limitation were....)
Don't ask a lot of questions, just do what I
say
Go to church every Sunday or you are a bad
person
Don't sleep late or you are lazy
Don't talk about, think about, or try to learn
about sex
Don't tell anyone what adults or older siblings
are doing or you will be a snitch
Be careful
Tell the truth
I would never be good at math
I would never be as good at sports as my sister
I would never be loved by others as much as my cousins
When you were a child what did
others tell you about what it meant to be a boy or a girl?
Boys: Athletic, strong, gross, mean, loud, crude, tend to fight,
wear dark colors, dress up for church, not as smart as girls, not interested in
emotional things; like to hunt, like to watch sports, like scary movies, like
to get dirty
Girls: Smart, quiet, kind, caring, gets along with others,
likes to talk, sewing, baking, takes care of and waits on others, nurturing,
passive, must obey men, have to be good, don't cause trouble, get good grades,
don't be sweaty, smell nice, not allowed to ask for what they want...must be
patient and wait until they get things
Did you fit the ideal image of what
it was to be a girl? Yes and No
I liked sports, but never thought I was good at them. I
liked to hunt, help my Dad with things, work on the farm. I spent the
majority of my childhood outdoors and with animals. I was quiet. I
didn't ask for what I wanted. I didn't argue very often and when I did I
often gave way to what others wanted. I was smart, kind, caring, got
along with others (although a loner at heart) and I felt misunderstood.
Often people would tell me how I felt about things and they were SO far
away from what I really thought that it amazed me. When I tried to explain
what I really was thinking, it seemed they didn't believe me and I was still
labeled with whatever it was that their impression was. I was not an easy
child to read because I was carrying many secrets and hid them behind a mask.
I was abused at the age of 3 and thought everyone could see right through
me, yet they never talked about it. I thought older people could read my
thoughts and see what was in my heart...but when they spoke it it was
wrong, so then I thought maybe I was the one that was wrong.
Make a list of the qualities that
were told you should have both personal and physical:
- Honesty
- Trustworthiness
- Integrity
- Faith
- Tall
- Long legs
- In Shape
- Hard Working
- Never Complaining
- Kind
- Gentle
Make a list of the qualities you
believe you have:
- Honesty
- Trustworthiness
- Integrity
- Faith
- Hard working
- Don't complain often
- Put others first
- Kind
- Gentle
- Strong
- An advocate for myself and others
- Protective of my familiyl
- Respectful
- A Leader
- Intelligent
- Thoughtful
- Contemplative
- Just
- Fair
- Patient
- Empathy
- Slow to judge. I try to ask questions and find out
the facts first
Make a list of qualities that others
think you have:
- I think this list is the same as the one above...plus
- Some think I am a bitch or aloof because I don't talk much
- Quiet
- Calm under pressure
Make a list of qualities that you
wish you had:
- No jealousy
- More comfort around others with strong personalities
- More comfort in large social gatherings
- The ability to always convey confidence
- The ability to not let other's emotions affect me
- The ability to not care what others think
Our image of perfection is the
reason we reject ourselves. It's why we don't accept ourselves and why we
don't accept others the way they are. Describe your image of
perfection...What would you look like? What type of personality would you
have?
I actually like my personality, mostly because I try to base it
around being respectful to others and thoughtful around what I do. The
only things about my personality I would change is that I would love to be more
social, to feel comfortable in large groups of people, and to be more open in
some of the boundaries that I have without guilt.
My perfect looks would be... healthy weight, long hair, nice
nails, tall, still the same proportions with an hourglass shape. Fashionable
dress....great business casual.
Is it humanly possible for you to
achieve this image of perfection, how? Yes
with diet and exercise as well as work on erasing some of the boundaries that
have held me back in the past.
Does your image of perfection
inspire you to be your best or does it discourage you? Encourages me to be my best. At times I will get discouraged
while working on my physical appearance. Weight loss is hard work with
set backs and I have a lot of weight to lose.
What is your image of perfection for others?
My image of perfection for my
partner is: He is strong,
supportive, loving, faithful, respectful, and always willing and ready to
defend me. He values his relationship with me and enjoys spending time
with me. He is passionate and dominant in nature while being fair, kind,
and protective. He can take charge, but stay kind while doing so.
He loves his family and supports them in good and bad times. He is
happy, healthy, and in control of his emotions. He can show these things
in many ways, they don't have to be words or mushy displays of affection.
He is creative, hard working, and honest.
My image of perfection for my
children are: They work hard at whatever
they choose to do. They help around the house. They strive to be
the best at school, work. They support each other. They are honest.
They are happy. They are beautiful and respectful.
My image of perfection for my
parents are: They love me and my family.
They trust us to make good decisions and to live our lives in the way
that we choose. They have confidence that we are raising our children to
be good people and citizens. They don't care what we think politically or
try to force us to believe what they believe.
My image of perfection for my best
friend is: Someone that I trust
My image of perfection for my co-workers
are: That they work hard.
That they are ethical and honest. That they do not jump to
conclusions. That they respect each other and are open to problem solving
and new ideas. That they don't try to exert power over each other. That
they respect and value me just as I respect and value them.
My image of perfection for my boss
is: That she listens to me.
That she asks me how I feel and never assumes. That she gives me
feedback either negative or positive in a timely way. That she trusts my
judgement, knowledge, and expertise to allow me to use it to the best of my
ability. I need to be able to learn something from her and have her open
to teaching, listening, and helping me to grow.
The
exercises continue....But must in a new post. This is getting really
long! Please feel free to reuse this format and ask the questions of
yourself.
