Delicious Feeling

cold night, TV playing softly in the background, lying stretched out with the man I love arm draped lightly across my shoulder, hand lightly pressing, my head on his chest, gentle rise and fall of breathing, slowly I melt into him, my stress evaporating as I breathe in the contentment of the moment.

Me in 88 Words

Incessant Laughings,

Playful Slashings,

Jokes beyond control!

Smiling blushes,

Dingy gushes,

Power overthrow!

Really I'm not all like that;

I'm serious, somber, sad,

thoughtful, gentle, quiet, shy,

pissed off, raving mad.

conservative, liberal, enthusiastic,

passive, aggressive, loud, naive.

Don't try to understand me,

you never will.

I don't understand myself!

Just know that underneath this mess I'm

trusting, loving, loyal.

Given time and God's blessings maybe I'll be able to drop my
protective covering of jokes and laughs and juvenile
behavior...

and let you see past my smile.

original poem by Dee

Wrote this poem in High School...funny thing is that it still fits today!

Tired and Weak

Death is just a whisper away
It hides waiting for me to slip up and fall
I can feel it gripping at my chest
Crushing out my breath
Draining all my strength
I don't want to give in
It has me scared
Not sure of what is happening
Control is out of my hands for the moment.
I can't give it a name or a face. Just know that somehow I am not as
strong as I was
I'm not as strong as I can be and I need to find out why.
I feel like my reserve is gone.
I've been tapping into it and straining it for years.
I am still young.
Why do I feel old?
What have I done to deserve this?
How can I gain back control?
I float along listlessly.
Waiting for something strong to grab hold of
Waiting for relief to come floating by
When will it end?

~original poem by Dee~

Written September 22,2002

Music

Amazing how music
so familiar
reminding you of a time that was lighter
more free
can bring you back to those feelings almost immediately
almost like a transport pod
memories tied in with the beat, words, voices
Instruments screaming your joy, pain, fear, tragedy

Amazing how music
can stop you in your tracks
frozen in fear
caught in a memory
you thought was long gone
Amazing how music can elevate, depress, incite passion, bring joy and
paralyze you
all in one day.

Amazing the feeling of a beat that commands you to dance!
That doesn't allow you to sit
amazing to hear a voice crystal clear singing to your heart
and to love more than you thought possible just for that 4 minute song
amazing how it causes impulsive behavior
makes you feel alive
and brings new understanding of yourself to light.

Amazing.........

Why so some have relationship troubles? Change is Difficult

I don't think that relationships per say are
difficult. I think that change is difficult......some people
handle it better than others. The ones that can't handle
change well tend to go through more anxiety and self
doubt when they are entering into a new relationship.
This causes a lot of the problems and
misunderstandings that frequently plague a new relationship. "oh
no, he hasn't called in a couple of days, does he
still like me?" or "this is moving too fast, gotta slow
it down!"

People who can't handle change well
seem to get more deeply scarred when relationships
end....mostly cuz they've held on way too long when they
shoulda walked away! (they were afraid of the
change!)

Then there's the people that can take life in stride
and gracefully move through changes. They are the
ones that people may label impetuous, wearing their
hearts on their sleeves, loving too freely,
impulsive...............look at it for what it is ........a strength, not a
weakness. You will never know if a love is meant to be
unless you go for it and experience it!

I'm not saying that people aren't shitty and that they won't
take advantage of you. Of course you have to use your
judgement and be careful about who you associate
with....but chances are if you are going on a date with
someone you have already put them through a screening
process. Once you make up your mind that you like someone
why bother wasting time with fears doubts and
insecurities.

Live life with your heart on your sleeve! It may bleed
easier, but the scars won't be as deep!

Original post February 20th, 2002

New Beginnings

Like a fragile drop of dew hanging on the edge of a leaf
My heart hangs precariously glistening wet with the blood of vulnerability
The protective coating shorn away…….open for all to see
Slowly it spreads it’s wings gently fanning as it dries.
It has been in a cocoon, hiding, healing, growing, changing.
Waiting for the right moment to emerge again.
Dreaming of the day when sunshine, warmth and happiness
Will allow it to fly free dancing on the breeze
The colors become bright and vivid on the drying wings
They smooth and unfurl reaching towards the sky
Taking that first brave leap into the unknown
Faltering, Fluttering, gaining momentum….it’s a start!

~original poem by Dee~*~January 31, 2002~

This poem was inspired by the start of my new relationship with Kelly.  :-) 

Waiting for a Dream

I've been waiting for a dream
someone that understands me
before i speak
someone that listens to me
with understanding
someone that believes in me
and what i do
Someone that shares with me
unbounded energy
Someone that touches me
with his words
Someone that reaches for me
with his heart
Someone that looks right through
to my soul

I'm not asking for much.......am I?

Original poem by Dee
January 20, 2002 (4 days after Kelly and I met in person for the first time).  :-)

Monogamy

I believe a lot can be learned by watching the
habits of animals....observe the wolf pack for
instance....... a male and female mate for life.... extended
family members join within the pack to share
responsibility of raising the young... similar things are found
within human cultures that place the family unit at a
high value. We live in a culture that does not so
strongly stress nuclear families... almost any combination
of people that share a space may be considered a
family in our culture and rightly so. I myself have a
family comprised of a single parent and children... but
keep in mind that more intelligence does not
necessarily mean that what is done is better.

Consider the impact on poverty, discipline problems, school issues,
drug abuse, alcohol abuse, neglect, use of government
services and child abuse if more people originally came
from loving closely knit packs like the wolves have.
If all children could grow up feeling loved and
supported and trusting that their needs would be met.
People who had been raised in such a way would be much
more capable of reproducing the mores' that it takes
to sustain a loving monogamous family unit. People
who are raised in abusive neglectful situations learn
not to trust others, learn not to be open with their
feelings for fear of being hurt, and may think the only
acceptable form of affection is sexual affection. This may
lead a person either male or female through a string
of bad relationships and heartbreak adding to the
original pain.

I don't deny that lust and sexual desire is a very strong force. 
I don't think that sex in itself is a bad thing.
But all urges shouldn't be acted
upon in the best interests of self preservation. It is
a proven fact in studies that uncommitted sex with
several partners is directly related to past abuse issues
and or low self esteem. In short........the inability
to trust, the fear of being vulnerable to another,
the seeking of affection from the wrong sources can
lead to more and more damage on an already damaged
psyche.

I also want to reiterate that my previous essay did
not relate to guys in general at all!!!!! There is a
huge difference between being a dog and dating a few
people looking for "the one".

As a labor and delivery nurse I see the results of uncommitted 
sex and low self esteem every day at work! I see the 19 year
old coming in having her fourth baby with the third
dad.... I've seen a woman break into hysterical crying
when we told her she was farther along in her
pregnancy than she thought because it meant another guy
than the one with her at the hospital was the father.
I see husbands and boyfriends fighting in the
hospital about who should get to be in the room when a
baby is born. I've seen a young mother of three dying
because her unfaithful spouse gave her AIDS.

Promiscuity is never a good thing..... good things do NOT
come of it..... and it is truly not in man's original
nature.

original post of these thoughts January 20th, 2002

Thoughts on Happiness in 2002....

Happiness isn't something that I feel one needs to
pursue. You either have it or you don't have it....it
comes and goes...some days I am very happy....other days
I am tearful for no reason. 

Getting more money, finding a love, or achieving my goals is not going to
make me any more happy than I already am. If I am
unhappy and think that those things are what is needed to
make me happy....I will find new things to want once I
achieve those...and then once I get this this and this I
will truly be happy! Vicious cycle! 

I am happy with who I am...with where I am in my life....and with
the way that my family is cared for! True happiness
is found for me in those things. True happiness is
in the enjoyment of art and music. it is in sharing
common passions with people...it is in living for the
moment and taking things in stride as they come
along....it is in giving myself permission to be down once in
awhile and accepting that I can't be perfect!


~PeAcE~LoVe~HaPpInEsS~*~DeEsTaRr~

Solitude

Solitude
is hard to find
is precious and rare
is forbidding and inviting all at the same time!
Sometimes
i feel the need
to stay in bed
and pull the covers over my head
Sometimes
i feel the need
to be the center of attention
to have all eyes on me
Sometimes
i wish friends would call
and ask me
about my day
Sometimes
i hurry through
a well-meaning chat
to cut it short
Solitude
is precious and rare
healing to the soul
balming to the mind
One day, I will have the solitude
of going to the bathroom without a little voice saying Mommy where are
you?!

~Original poem by Dee~*~ January 15, 2001~*~

Have you ever wondered why a lot of the
stereotype about Interracial relationships have started?! I
bet I can account for about 95% of them in this post!
Have you ever encountered women who are dating just
about any black guy they come into contact with simply
because he is black? Women like that bug me because they
are not in a relationship for the right reasons! They
are using black men just as much as the men are using
them! They do make it tough for women who are serious
about their man! They have no repect for boundaries in
a relationship and will try to seduce someone in a
relationship b4 talking to a single man! They usually try to
act or dress in a way that calls attention to them,
"acting black" (for lack of a better term)! They often
wind up looking out of place and ridiculous! They
think they are cute and don't realize that the men that
are with them are laughing at them along with
everyone else! I call women like that hood rats! They do
more to make a bad name for Interracial relationships
than all of the myths out there rolled up into
one!<br>It's white girls like that, who go to a party and have
probably taken a turn with almost every guy in
there.....It's white girls like that that cause black men to say
shit like...."yeah, I'd date a white woman but I'd
never marry one!" Surprisingly it's white girls like
that that make up a very small percentage of white
women in interracial relationships but get all the
publicity!

It's also the Black men who feed off of hood rats that
get all the publicity in IR relationships! The
man that has 4-5 baby's moms and no job hanging with
his boys kinda guys! These are the dogs!

It's partially our responsibility to get the public past these
myths! And to put the focus on the real meaning of a
relationship between a man and a woman! Hood rats and dogs
will always be there~ but they are far outnumbered by
the intelligent, sincere, faithful, loving and
productive people in this world!


~PeAcE~AnD~LoVe~*~DeEsTaRr

Forgiveness

How small and fragile and useless is life
my brain would say
I stare into this big dark world
Sin, Evil Thoughts, Danger
Around me.......In me
No escape? No Return?
Whirlpool sucks.............despair!
{Man's wisdom can encompass only this}
Faith Whispers....
Reminding
Comforting
no real pressure....only mind created
Heart says.... lie back, relax
No Danger, no sin
 Purity
white as snow
Consistancy
Forgiveness..........What a Gift!!!!! 
The World Can be a Wonderful Place.
But I know one that is better!

Dee~Jan 7, 2002

True Love.... Gift From Above

Recently I found an old blog with poetry that I have written.  I can't figure out how to link the two together, so I am going to re-post some of my work here.

Love...Friendship....Friendship....Love.
How do we know what is meant from above?
Which whispering voices should we choose to hear?
Is the final decision made by choice or by fear?
So many factors influence life,
So much brought in by personal strife.
How do you know what is false and is real?
What if the man's not you're man of steel?
Not knowing for sure may be one soul's excuse
For missing great joy cuz of fear of abuse.
You never will know if you don't take the chance!
Stand up, fix your hair, take a deep breath and DANCE!!!
The Lord is the one who has power, not you.
He will guide you and lead you to what you should do!
Listen real hard with your soul and your mind.
True love is out there, seek you will find!

Original poem by Dee December 20, 2001