My Love

My love for my children is deeper than they will know
I have to respect their independence, allow them to experience life and make mistakes
I am a waiting ear, ready to listen, to give advice, to guide
I will not chase, force, or smother my almost adult children
I have learned through experience that approach only escalates the number of lessons learned the hard way

So where is the fine line?
How do they know you care without thinking you're a crazy woman?
My Dad has that formula mastered
I wish I could be more like him.
I could be mostly honest, never wanted to disappoint, and always knew he'd come to my rescue if I needed him
Sometimes I wish my kids were as easy to read as my dogs.  You always know when a dog is appreciative, affectionate, tired, hungry, happy, restless....

The best way for me to be a good mom is to trust my instincts, let my babies fly, and pray they will find their true passion and pathway in life.

I love you all, more than you know.
I have worked hard all my life to be an example
I have tried to be patient, loving, accepting, and firm when I needed to be

I'm sure I haven't gotten it right every time...but hopefully the right has outweighed the wrong

Dear Lord, keep my babies safe.  Help them to make choices that will enrich their lives.  In Jesus' name.....Amen.

Friday night at home...Ramblings that make no sense

So, lately I have been busy...working long hours, sleeping only a bit...running to keep up with plays and hand chime performances, and everything but the laundry.  I'm tired.  My brain is overworked.  I needed a day at home.  Funny how I still can't let go and relax.

I could have slept.  I could have watched a brainless show on TV.  I could have just not done anything.  Instead I read work emails and talked to a friend on Facebook whom I love, but who is so negative about everything!  I try to say cheerful things and something really messed up comes back in return.  It makes me wonder just what can happen to someone's spirit that they are so surrounded in negativity.  I can never talk to her long without having the energy sucked out of me.

I saw this show recently called "The Secret".  It talked about the power of positivity and how thoughts become things....for example, if you constantly worry that you will have financial trouble....you will have financial trouble.  If you think of yourself as wealthy, comfortable, and out of dept...the Universe will make that happen.

Now I don't know if I totally subscribe to that philosophy, but I don't underestimate the power of positive thinking.  I've realized how much of an energy robber negativity is for me.  It sends me down a path quickly that I really need to avoid.  I am by nature a positive person that likes to believe that others have the best of intentions....until they have beat me to a bloody pulp with their bad intentions... even then, I try to stay positive or not talk about them.  I don't want those who don't have an interest in my well being to have a say or any influence in my life.  Thankfully, I have no trouble with telling people how I feel to their faces, so it's rare that I am trapped in negative thought.  This trait has gotten me in trouble more than once in my life, but it is honest and helps me to sleep at night!  Ethics and honesty are amazingly important to me.

We dyed a blue streak in my whoodles hair tonight...just for the fun of it.  Poor baby....it is really dark between her eyes and lighter on the rest of her head.  I am hoping it is faded when it dries!  LOL....mistake of the night.

Lexi touched up the blue in her hair (thus the whoodle dye).  She's happy.  Somehow her two friends are at our house without asking and they seem to expect to stay for the night.  Eh, I guess it's ok.  Too late to walk home now.

There is an extremely annoying movie on TBS that has Larry the Cable Guy in it.  I don't even care enough to find out the name.  "Something Witnesses".....says Lexi.

Wow, can't believe I'm really a Grandma.  Kelly and I are way too young to be Grandparents.

Found out through the rumor mill that apparently my husband's joke starring me where he talks about why he's a happy man was the subject of an off color discussion at work.  Thanks honey!

Missing Kelly.  We've both been working a LOT lately!  Looking forward to a trip to California soon.  It's been 8 years since we have flown away together somewhere just the two of us.  Way overdue!

I love my Loki puppy....he's so cute!  This dog is probably the most affectionate dog I have ever had.  He doesn't realize he weighs over 70 pounds...he just plops on your lap, rests his head on your shoulder, leans against you as you stand.

The scary thing about this post is that I just typed everything that ran through my head without editing or filtering for the last few minutes.

Larry the Cable guy is crude and NOT funny!

Ok...off to get a glass of water and maybe lay down.  Hope my honey is home soon.

Night Night!!

I'm a Grandma!!!

My son Adam became a father on February 20th, 2012 at 6:48am.  Karson Allen Lillo was 9lb 2oz and 20 inches long at birth. It's amazing to think of the not so long ago little boy having a son of his own.

Adam is going to be a great father. He is so proud of his little boy and his step son, Kayden.  He has been driving back and forth between Kansas and Wisconsin almost every weekend to be there for his fiancee, Kassie, as much as he could during the pregnancy.  I am so grateful that he was able to be there for the birth.

In June of this year, Adam fully expects to be deployed to Afghanistan.  He's already been in Iraq for a year not so long ago.  I pray that by June there will be no reason to send soldiers to Afghanistan.  The first year of his son's life is so crucial and he will change and grow so much.

Blessings on my son and his beautiful growing family!

 Kassie and Karson

 Kayden showing Karson how to play Nintendo DS

Karson Allen Lillo

My Miracle; Thank you Whitney

Miracle by Whitney Houston


Writer: EDMONDS, KENNETH B / REID, ANTONIO 

How could I throw away a miracle 
How could I face another day 
It's all of my doing 
I made a choice 
And today I pay 
My heart is full of pain 
How could you understand 
The way I feel 
How could you relate to so much pain 
Seems as though nothing can comfort me 
So today I pray 
That someone should listen for 

[Chorus] 
Nothing should matter 
Not when love grows inside you 
The choice is yours 
There's a miracle in store 
Nothing should matter 
Not when love grows inside you 
A voice of love is crying out 
Don't throw love away 
There's a miracle in store 

How could I let go of a miracle 
Nothing could ever take its place 
Thought I was looking 
Out for myself 
Now it seems the pain 
Is all that I have gained 
I wonder if I could be your miracle 
I wonder if I could spare you pain 
Seems as though nothing will comfort me 
Less today I pray 
That you should come listen 

[Chorus] 

Don't ever throw away your miracle 
Don't let it slip away 
Nothing should matter 


[Chorus]


The passing of Whitney Houston has taken me by surprise, just as many in the world right now...but I think for a very different reason.  I am a Whitney Houston fan.  I have been since her very first Album in 1985.  I have every song she ever sang memorized.  I drove everyone in my family and friends circles crazy by listening to her music and singing at the top of my lungs.  Some jokingly called me, "White Whitney".  I saw her in concert in the 90's and it was the most amazing concert I have ever seen!  Whitney truly loved her art, her fans, her family.  Her lyrics spoke to me....helped me to make sense of situations.  Calming, soothing, reassuring.  Whitney was an ingrained part of my life.  There is one situation from which she helped me heal, make sense of, forgive myself and others who hurt me.  A moment of revelation that I will never forget. 


~~~~~~~~~~


All through high school, I was pretty naive and conservative.  I didn't drink, didn't smoke, got decent grades, played sports, loved theater and choir.... I was a fairly "easy" child, although my mom might not always agree with that statement.  On the surface I seemed well adjusted and easy going.  Underneath, I was hurt, awkward, shy, and desparately trying not to make any mistakes.  I had been sexually molested as a child and that had never come out into the open or been dealt with in any way.  It was the secret that I was carrying so deep that I didn't even remember it myself.  

When I graduated from High School after one year of college, I decided I would move out of my parents house to live with a friend for the summer. I planned to work and "save" money for school.  What I found by moving out into a apartment building complex full of nothing but college students and young adults was the world of partying.  I was 18, naive, not sure of how to enforce boundaries in the real world, used to the friends from my Christian High School who all kind of operated by the same rules, and I was carrying around a ticking time bomb of hurt from my childhood. As could be expected, I progressed quickly from partying by having a couple of drinks to drinking huge amounts of alchohol at a time.  I had periods of black outs where people would tell me some of the things I had done the night before and I wouldn't believe them.  My roommates were more like acquaintances than friends.  I had not chosen well for myself.  

Despite all of this, I remained the dependable constant person that I am in many ways.  I held down 3 jobs and always drew the line to not let partying interfere with work.  I met a boy not too long after moving there and we hit it off.  He was newly graduated just like me, a football star, sweet although a little impulsive, and I thought I was starting to fall in love.  We talked about physical intimacy and I told him that I wanted to wait until I was married.  That was an important thing to me.  He agreed and seemed to support that idea.  A couple of months into our relationship however, after a night of drinking too much, I was unable to stop him.  Once he had his way with me once, he would not take no for an answer.  It took me years to call that what it was....date rape.   

Out of that situation came my miracle...the catalyst that caused me to stop hurting myself and being used.  I became pregnant.  As soon as I found out it was as if a switch was flipped.  I immediately stopped all of the crazy things I was doing.  I got to a doctor for prenatal care.  I moved out of the apartment and away from the people that didn't care about me.  The extent of my young "partying years" was about 7 months and I was done.  

My parents and family were amazingly supportive as I went through my pregnancy.  Some friends when I told them what happened asked the question....why don't you get an abortion?  You're too young to have a child! You have your whole life in front of you!  Truth is....yeah I was young, I needed to finish school, I couldn't afford it, the man who had forced himself on me wasn't going to be taking any responsibility, I was facing embarassment for my family because of being pregnant and unmarried....but I never considered abortion an option.  Some friends stopped talking to me and were angry at me for my choice.  I let them go.  I did not see the life growing inside me as having any relation to the painful circumstances that led up to my pregnancy.  

During my pregnancy, it was as if a floodgate had opened...the memories poured back!  I was overwhelmed as the sting of the experiences of having been sexually abused by two offenders starting at the tender age of 3 ranging to the age of 12 came back into my consciousness.   After my son was born, I got into college.  That is where my healing journey began.  I Joined a therapy group for people who had experienced rape and sexual abuse.  I learned that life events such as a pregnancy are often the trigger that releases repressed memories.  I learned that I had to act fast to get some counseling and work on dealing with the memories before they buried themselves again.  

Whitney's song; Greatest Love of All helped me with this process.  While listening to the lyrics, I was able to see myself as a child who needed to be protected while experiencing those things rather than someone who was to blame because she deserved it.  I realized that I had to love myself enough to protect and draw boundaries.  Small hints of forgiveness crept in. 

The song, Miracle, came out shortly after I started college.  My old friend who had guided me through feelings of first love, celebration, teenage angst, and self reflection now had a completely different message.  The first time I listened to it tears streamed down my face.  I felt as if she was singing that song for me.  My son, Adam, was my miracle.  Had I thrown him away as I was advised to by my friends I would have had another traumatic situation to try to overcome.   I love you, Adam!! I hope in some way I was your miracle too!  I can't wait to see you with your son in your arms as he will be soon.  I am so proud of you!!

Nothing should matter 
Not when love grows inside you 
The choice is yours 
There's a miracle in store 
Nothing should matter 
Not when love grows inside you 
A voice of love is crying out 
Don't throw your love away 
There's a miracle in store 

Last night, I sang this song in honor of Whitney.  I wasn't sure exactly why I chose it over some of the other bigger hits she had until now.  It's been a long time since I have reflected on this situation and my path to healing.  Thank you again, Whitney.   You were a big part of my life and my heart hurts knowing you won't have the chance now to complete your healing journey on Earth.  I pray that you are at peace and whole again in Heaven.  

Queen; Mercury's Rising!!

Tonight we were able to practice with the Anchorage Symphony Orchestra and the lead singer and band that we are accompanying.  My son, Kelly II and I are singing in a 50 voice choir in a tribute to Queen this weekend!  It's going to be an awesome show!! This experience so far has been one of the most fun things I have done in a long time.  I love to sing, but don't get a chance to do more than karaoke every once in awhile.  Singing with a choir again made me realize how much I have not been singing in my range or using my voice in the proper way lately.  It's feels good to exercise that skill again!

I have always been a first soprano.  I easily played the part of Mabel in the Pirates of Penzance and hit all of the high notes when I was in High School.  I sang in a tour choir all through high school and into college...always doing the descants and highest parts.  After years of singing only occasionally with a church choir and singing karaoke type stuff, I had some work to do....it took me about 3 weeks of warming up, vocal exercises, and practice to get my voice back into the range it once was.  I will definitely be looking for more opportunities to keep my voice in shape after this!! :-) Hallelujah Chorus next winter!!

I forgot how happy I am when I sing, I mean truly sing.   The kind of music that starts at your toes and pours out of your heart.  Queen songs are a great tool to elicit such passion...Freddie Mercury was brilliant!! There is such intricacy in the choral parts and I was overwhelmed with the complexity of the orchestra parts tonight.  Wow....I hope that you have a chance to come to the show and experience first hand the beauty of this music washing over you.  It will be an experience!!

Tonight we were in the middle of a song, and the conductor for the orchestra stopped and said...."is there a name for your choir?"
No!
He's like..."How about the Stevettes? (after Steven Alvarez, the very talented director who got us ready for a show of such high caliber).
One of the tenors next to me blurted out...."Mercury's Rising!"
Yeah!  we all loved that.  The lead singer paused and asked, "who said Mercury Rising? NICE!!"

Tomorrow night.....Anchorage Symphony Orchestra and Mercury's Rising present One Vision: The Music of Queen!!

One Vision: The Music of Queen

Lost in busyness

Have you ever felt totally at the mercy of your schedule? So busy that you don't have time to pause in between activities or have time to gather your thoughts as you run from one meeting, appointment, or job to another?  That has been my last week or so.  Here it is, 11:30 at night and I am totally exhausted, yet I can't shut my brain down to actually sleep.  I think in the last 4 days I've maybe gotten an average of 4 to 5 hours of sleep per night.  I need a way to unwind.  Too many ideas in my head!!! Really missing time with my honey right now.  He helps me relax...but he's running just as much.

Full Moon in Alaska

Dramatic winter sky 

Jagged mountains on the horizon

The brightness of the glowing orb

Light trail across the snow

Lazy clouds, black against midnight cannot conceal the aura

Adding a soft gracefulness to it's power

Never before has the moon

Seemed close enough to touch

Close enough to feel

Close enough to hear

A spiritual presence...

Full moon in Alaska

Life Lessons from The Big Miracle

Yesterday my husband, his friend Sam, and three of our kids with their friends and/or girlfriends all went to the opening night show of the Big Miracle at the Tikahatnu Theater on Muldoon.  There we watched the film and I was able to see more detail in Kelly's scene than I did at the first preview show where we were so excited that half of the scene we missed cheering and hugging each other. The camera is focused on Kelly long enough to not only capture his dialogue, but also some of his signature facial expressions, including an eye brow raise that I find particularly endearing.  It's a great addition to his resume and I am extremely proud of him!  If you haven't seen this movie, you must go!!!

The film, Big Miracle started out with the title "Everybody Loves Whales."  As production moved on, the title was changed.  The change seems fitting.  The biggest miracle shown in the film was the demonstration of what can happen when people put aside stress causing, political, cultural, and petty differences and truly work together towards a common goal.  This film shows how competition and conflict tearing groups of people apart can make reasonable, loving, passionate people look like assholes.  It shows that the people who are truly assholes have karma bite them and trip them up.  It also shows how we often rationalize stereotypes and feelings of superiority and allow our pride to stand in the way of reaching out to those who could really help us along our paths, even if it means failing miserably.

Appearances aren't everything.  You aren't always right.  Passion is beautiful.  Some conflict is necessary. The answers aren't always obvious.  Listen to more than your reactions.  Respect the feelings and culture and faith of those around you.  No one is as important as they think they are.

Fight for what you believe in, follow your dreams..... but take a moment to reflect on your method of fighting to make sure that it isn't alienating the very person that cares about you and can help you the most.

Analyzing or Worrying?

I use a lot of energy analyzing and weighing choices, situations, plans for improvement.  When faced with important decisions my brain immediately starts spinning and I have to work it through before moving on to much else, I do research, ask others for their opinions, and try to figure out every possible scenario for choices being considered.  I try to have a general plan of how to realistically implement that choice.  Sometimes it's simple and straightforward and a quick process.  Other times it is an emotional journey that stresses me to the point that those closest to me notice the effects.  I usually don't take long to work through that acute phase, but wish I could find a way to relax and not experience the bad parts of my creativity.  I have had physical symptoms such as shortness of breath or chest pain.  I have withdrawn and become quiet as I problem solve.  I have reached out to others for support and gotten frustrated if they don't respond to my stress in the way that I need them to.  Once I come out on the other side of my stress I am able to make clear and good decisions.  I am highly successful in implementing those decisions once I make them.  The whole process confuses me because I am not afraid of change...I thrive on challenges and high expectations.  I am stuck...wondering if I am experiencing my natural process for analyzing and problem solving or it it's unnecessary worry that I should try to do something about.   Haha.....yes, I guess I am writing this post because I am worrying about how much I worry.  Anyone have the name of a good shrink?