So Very Blessed

This is what Kelly and I have been working so hard to build together over the last 10 years.  Our children are our life, our motivation, and our joy.  Sometimes very few words are needed to tell the story....

 Our 2 Grandchildren, Kayden (3) and Karson (1 month)

The J boys!   Jerry, Jordan, Jamal

 Kelly II's recent performance in Superior Donuts

 Lexi

 Mary, Dad, Lexi

 Mary giving me a bear hug

 My handsome husband

 (back) Jamal, Jordan, Kelly II, Jerry (front) Mary, Lexi

 Adam and Kassie

Kelly and Dee

Something new or same old same old

I'm running out of ideas.  It's hard to keep reaching out when there isn't a welcoming feeling or reaching back in return.  Lying in silence is not my style.  Affection is a big part of who I am.    Teaching myself to stifle that and put it under glass is a skill that I will resist.  If I learn that skill, it may just be too late. I am warm, I am alive, I need to be treated that way.

Hope is the answer

I wonder what it will take to make things right?

How do you convince someone that lives in extremes that a little bad isn't a reason to give up and walk away.  A little bad is an expected state of being... a normal challenge....it doesn't have to destroy everything.  How do you share a perspective and keep a positive attitude when it feels like you are either totally loved or totally loathed.  No tolerance for mistakes, permission to show weakness, or belief that problems have a purpose.  

Living in extremes is something that is so hard to understand.  I see the good and bad, wrong and right in almost everything.  There are many right answers to one question...and with creativity even more can come about.  It is possible to love someone with all your heart even if you are angry at a behavior.  

Perhaps hope is the answer.  We need hope.  Hope that emotions won't cripple, that understanding will grow, that faith will remove the barriers, and that love can endure all.  

Spring Equinox

Today is the Spring Equinox.  It sure brought a flurry of activity with it.  You can tell it's a bit of a crazy day when you are being asked the third time in a day if there's a full moon or something.  Energy levels were high but very positive!

I am so thankful for a turn in tide.  Over the last couple of weeks I was really struggling with intense abdominal pain that seemed to have no answer.  Yesterday I was reservedly feeling a little better...today, I started the day with faint nausea and ended the day with a burst of energy, renewal, and a high level of productivity!  I am feeling so much better.  Praying that it stays that way!!!

Keep it up Spring!! (Oh and melt the snow already!)

Just in Case

One never knows when that moment will come.  When you will have said your last "I Love you's" and your last goodnights to those that mean the world to you.  Tomorrow I am having a medical procedure done that requires anesthesia.  I have no reason to think that it won't go well...but just in case.

Kelly, I want you to know that I love you with all of my heart.  You are a challenge as well as a relief.  You support me and make me stronger in some ways and keep me humble in others.  My life has been ever so much richer because you are in it.

Kids, I love you and you are the world to me.  I have always tried to be a good example to you.  To teach you a good work ethic as well as love and kindness to others.  I hope that that message has come through.

My friends are small in number but so dear to me.   I have never been one to spend time with lots of acquaintances.  I am really close to and trust a select few.  It's funny, but I have never really felt the need to be the life of the party or to be surrounded by people although I still do enjoy the spotlight and being the center of attention.  My friends know who they are, and they know how I work.  They have talked with me, cried with me, listened to my sometimes irrational fears, and have both given and taken advice from me.  I would do anything for them and I know they would reciprocate.  My life has been blessed because of you all.

My mom and dad are great people.  Strong in their faith and hard working.  I admire and love you both.  I love my brothers and sisters and in laws as well.  I am proud of what they have accomplished and of their beautiful and strong families.  My only wish is that we could all have been closer and talked more.  Recently I haven't been reaching out as much as I used to because I didn't see reciprocation.

My dogs are some of the most important people to me as well.  They are comforting, understanding.  Always there to support.  They seem to know when I need someone close because they will smother me during those times.  It's interesting how in tune they are.

Don't worry, this isn't a goodbye letter, this isn't a veiled I'm dropping off the face of the earth letter.  It is just things that I should be saying all the time, but maybe haven't taken the time to say lately.

One thing I can say I have been blessed with in my life is the capacity to love.  I have been hurt and have been given reasons never to trust another human being...yet I can love with abandon.  I have been able to totally give myself heart and soul to my husband.  I have been willing to take risks and challenge situations that threatened our love.  Not everyone knows what that feels like or has the capacity to open their hearts in the way that I do.  I am grateful for that.

I love you all!  Tomorrow I can go into my procedure knowing that I am probably going to be just fine and have the chance to say this and so much more in person to those I love....but just in case.

Good night!!!

All I Want

I don't ask for much
Just everything that you are and want to be
Just to be the last name on your lips before you go to sleep and the first one that comes to mind when you wake
To be cherished
To be held
To be comforted when I'm sad, or scared, or lonely
I want compliments
I want to know that in your eyes, I am beautiful and smart and can do no wrong
That I am captivating and charming
That it's hard for you to look away
I want to be desired and craved
To be controlled by the lust in your eyes
To surrender myself to your will
To smile across the table at a private joke
To work together towards our dreams
I want to be loved
Honored
Respected
Happy
I want to be your wife, friend, lover, and someone you would fight for.
I don't ask for much
No more that what I am willing and capable of giving in return

Rudeness beyond measure

Have you ever been blindsided by rudeness so harsh that you just stood there and scratched your head and wondered what the hell happened?  That happened to me over the course of this weekend.  A woman, although she doesn't really deserve to be called that, attacked me.  This was unprovoked and seemingly without any explanation.  Usually I am easy going and can blow things off to forget about them.  Today I cannot.  I want support. I want to be stood up for. I deserve to be defended because I didn't even know this woman, had no ties to her, and before recently didn't even know she existed...yet she has sent my husband pictures, text messaged him, and has repeatedly been in contact with him after he DJ'd a party that she was involved in arranging.   She then had the nerve to go off on and insult me thinking I had no right to ask her to tone it down because he's an entertainer.   Be a fan....fine.  Be a friend....fine.  Cross the line to disrespecting me as his wife.....hell no!  I understand that my husband is in the entertainment business and that because of that he will work with a variety of people.  Just because he works with the public doesn't mean the public owns him or has any rights to expect his loyalties.  That is owed to his family and no one else.

I have never been this livid at any other point in my husband's career. There have been other way too friendly fans that crossed lines...but none so bold or unapologetic.  It's the nature of the business and to be expected.  That person has crossed the line of disrespect that never should have been crossed and she had better be put in her place.  I expect a full apology and for her to be reprimanded for the way in which she treated me.  I can't believe how insulting her behavior and words were.  I wouldn't have even talked to someone I hated in the way that I was spoken to. I'm so angry I can't sleep.

Solar Flares or Anger Flares?

Wow! Today is blowing me away just a little bit.  There is definitely a large amount of energy in the air right now!  Solar flares, northern lights shows with brilliant colors, bright stars hanging in the air so close you could almost touch them.  There appears to be lots of emotion both negative and positive in the atmosphere greatly affecting those around me.  Fears seem to be amplified... stress seems to be heightened.... defense mechanisms are at full arm and ready to go. This energy seems to be scattering thoughts and reactions.  I have come across defensiveness and suspicion from sources that are usually rational, trusting, and calm.  Despair and fear are making others feel like they are drowning or failing when they are really stars. Usually when I notice a particularly strong pull from the moon or other forces that are negatively affecting others emotions, it's brought to my attention because I too am feeling unbalanced and upset for reasons unknown... today is different.

Today this energy that has seemingly thrown others around me for a loop has helped me to focus and find clarity in areas where I may have had a panic response in the past.  It has been definitely working in my favor most of the day today!  Last night and early this morning I went with a friend and my daughter to watch the Northern Lights.  We saw the most spectacular show that I have seen since I moved here! Greens, purples, reds dancing in the sky, framing the mountains and trees.  Truly a moment that I will carry in my memory forever!  After having such a spectacular treat and after a week that had been tiring and stressful up until today, I had an extremely productive day at work digging in and getting caught up on investigating charts, looking into unusual occurrence reports, entering days worth of charges, clearing out emails and voice mails, checking off items on my to do list, spending time talking and problem solving with staff members and with doctors.  There was great teamwork between departments moving chess pieces into the right place to keep a busy day moving forward.  I left work feeling accomplished and just maybe a hint at being kind of caught up after taking time off for a wedding last week.

Funny how a tone in an email or a text message can make you doubt the great day you just had.  I pray that the energy will move in other's favor so that they can find peace as they sleep tonight and happiness and contentment when they wake tomorrow.

Love and God's Blessings to my friends and family.  Good night!!